tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80363820803487378662024-02-08T11:20:13.608-08:00In My Mind and On Your ScreenI live my life the best I can! There are days I wake up feeling like if I just stopped going everything would be better! That is the meaning behind my blog address! Days like that you just need to pick yourself up and use every ounce of your will to breathe and move on! Life is a gift for which there are no returns or exchanges! But we can always take what we get and rock it out like a Paris runway show!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-22509787257921165452012-07-22T14:18:00.000-07:002012-12-30T17:15:15.017-08:00Most Exciting Summer Ever...? Part 2!A problem? What problem? Was I ok? Was I dying? All of these questions and more screamed through my head as we made our way back to the doctor's office. We got there and the doctor told me that my white blood count was WAY high, like 3 times normal high! They tested my heart rate which was still high even on my medication and took another x-ray. What I saw on the x-ray scared me. The doctor showed my that my right lung was 2/3 of the way shadowed indicating either fluid or inflammation which was soo bad that it was actually shifting my heart! She flat out told me that if I were any less healthy or older with my lungs and heart this bad I should and would be either dead or close to it! She said I had to get to McKay Dee hospital ASAP! So we ran. On the way there I started hurting badly. Which scared me even more! We get to the emergency room and wait. And wait. Aaaand Wait!!! There were tons of people trying to get in and people coming in after me were being processed first! Finally my mom did her thing and made the nurse realize just how bad this was! The nurse then started running around and got me processed and actually got me into the ER before all of those other processed patients. That made me realize okay this is BAD. I was in the ER by I think 6 and given an iv shortly after. (Luckily the nurse was amazing and I was in soo much pain I didn't feel it!) I was given a CT scan and told to wait for the doctor. During this time the pain in my abdomen shifted to my back and became unbearable! All I could do was cry and try not to scream when these horrible back spasms would hit with every slight movement. Finally the nurse gave me a pain med. but by this time it barely made a dent. Then I met Dr. Varela. He had reviewed my CT scan and said that I had developed a rare abscess... actually I had developed 3 RARE abscesses. Lucky me. This resulted in massive inflammation which was why my lung was soo clouded. I would have to either have major surgery to clean out the pockets and risk major organ damage or have drainage tubes placed. We agreed to have the drains because I couldn't risk organ damage. So he said we will do it in the morning until then you will be put in a room and given pain meds. to help with the spasms which were a result of the infection. I was told I couldn't have any food or drink after midnight. So they got me in my room and I looked at the clock 11:55 pm. I had not had anything to drink since 2pm and I was soo dried out I felt like a mummy. My nurse, Bless Her Heart, RAN out of the room and sprinted back with a cup of water which I greedily slurped until the clock hit 12 and she apologized and took my water away. :( I couldn't be mad at her of course because, while other nurses would have just told me it was too late, she rushed to get me a drink before my deadline hit. A simple thing that I really appreciated more than anything! The next morning I was prepared for my procedure. All I cared about was whether or not I could be either knocked out or HEAVILY medicated for the process. I hate being poked! They said to talk to the Radiologist and he would help me out. Once I got down there however I was told I had to be awake through the process but I would be given a "chill out" med. "I wouldn't be aware of anything!" Famous last words dude! Let me explain this drain process. I had an abscess below my liver, one huge one right where my appendix used to be and one located near my ovaries. (I think) That translates to: One drain into my side below my ribs, one drain into the side of my stomach and finally one drain right smack into my buttcheek. Woo! Let me simply state this experience was AWFUL!! I felt slightly out of my body, I was bawling and I was being stabbed with straws!! Once again I was blessed with a great person by my side! One of the radiologist's was helping with the procedure but throughout the entire thing kept patting my leg or holding my knee telling me that I would be alright and just reassuring me that he was there! I love you good sir! Thank you! Finally the horrible deed was done and I was carefully removing from the CT scan and placed gingerly on my bed and taken back to my room where I promptly cried myself into a sleep. I will admit I slept a lot during this stay simply because I was heavily medicated which I was not opposed to because I had tubes sticking out of my right side and my left buttock. Meds. were good... GREAT even. I later found out from Dr. Varela that they had drained over 1 litre of infection just from the appendix area drain! (That's a lot)He said that the infection in the abscesses was actually a direct result from my appendectomy! He said my appendix had either burst, been punctured or they simply didn't clean me out well enough during surgery which resulted in this gunk flooding my body with bacteria. Thanks BCH! I would be monitored and my drains would be emptied and checked until they felt confident I could return home. I still couldn't eat but unlike Brigham Hospital they didn't force me to drink Boost or Ensure, instead I got Carnation! YUM! During this stay I was still on heart medication because my heart rate was still erratic. I was also having hot flashes which resulted in my sweating and feeling like a melting popsicle which also caused my bedding to be changed more than the nurses wanted to do it I am sure! One week later I was given the news I wanted! I could go home but it came with bad news. I would still have my drains and I would be receiving a picc line. I had no idea what that was... then I found out and I didn't want to know anymore. Basically a picc line is a mobile long term iv. I would be having a line inserted into my arm above the elbow and it would snake through my vein and finally end in my heart. .....Yay? So I go down to Radiology and meet the guy inserting my picc. He assured me it would be pretty much painless. I didn't care I started to cry openly not caring that I am a grown woman and that the process really didn't hurt! While he was working on my picc guess who came to visit!! My awesome radiologist from my drain placement! He came and said hi and told me he was sorry I only saw him when thing were being inserted into my body! I gave a laugh/sob and he left with a reassuring pat on the leg. My ordeal was over and as a peace offering the radiologist presented me with an ice cold can of lemonade, which I gratefully drank while we listened to country music waiting for my nurse to pick me up. One week from entering the ER I was going home! Now let me tell you having drains in your butt and side SUCKS!! It hurts, it is very uncomfortable and it makes wearing pants and sleeping IMPOSSIBLE!! I was receiving iv meds. daily via my mom (love you) and just trying to eat and improve. So I slugged through the next week and then went back to Dr. Varela praying the drains would be gone! I get there and he gives me crushing news that he will probably MAYBE only remove one drain but I need a CT scan to see if even that would work. I began crying immediately. You wouldn't blame me at this point. I was exhausted mentally and physically, I was sore all the time and I just wanted these things out of my body! So I went through the next 3 hours waiting for my CT scan being forced to drink this liquid, that I can only describe as liquified berry Tums, trying not to throw up or start sobbing. I received my scan and returned to Dr. Varela to find out the news. He came in and started showing me my CT (seeing your insides while getting a guided tour from the Dr. is gross... just saying.) and surprisingly Dr. Varela kept saying Wow... wow. He turned to me and said this looks amazing!! He then told me that my results were so impressive that he would remove 2 drains that day!! *Angel Chorus* My most painful drains were going away! My butt drain and my top side drain! I was overjoyed UNTIL Dr. Varela stood up walked over and started getting ready! I went hold up now! What?! He explained that basically you just yank them out! Dr. Varela say WHAT?! OH and just be prepared there is a part at the end called a pig tail and if it doesn't release and uncurl all the way it may hurt! I freak out and start babbling about anti- freak out pills and he says "We can hit you on the head with something if you want." I say YESYESYESYES!! He smiles and says "Nah, you will be fine!" (Famous last words) So he approaches my bottom and clips my stitches... I started freaking... he says "Okay, 1, 2..." OH *$&%! This THING rips through my bottom like a bullet! I immediately stop breathing and shaking! If any doctor ever says hey you need a drain.... RUN!! So I am freaking out! My grandma is trying to make me calm down and not pass out while the nurse grabbed me some juice and Dear Dr. Varela is looking at me with an expression mixed with concern and amusement at my over dramatic reaction. He tells me he will step out for a minute and I can decide whether or not to "Go for 2!" I calm down and decide I do NOT want to wait knowing what I am in for! So he comes back and they remove my side drain which was SLIGHTLY less painful but I once again cease breathing because it just plain SUCKS! So Dr. Varela pats my knee says see you next week and makes his exit! Meanwhile all I can think of is how much I hate that man! I go home and slump on the couch. Unsure if I ever want to see his face again! I go through the next week a bit better. I can eat, less pain and sleep FINALLY! I return to Dr. Varela dreading my final drain. He yanks it, I say every curse word I know in my head and I recover much quicker this time. He decides to keep the picc. line for another week or so to give me longer on meds. so that hopefully I can kick any residual infection. I went in for my final appointment on July 5th and they took my picc. line out. Which I was soo happy about because it hurt intensely over the last week which I came to find out was because my stitches had ripped out of my skin! Yay. Let me describe it for you, imagine someone pulling a wet spaghetti noodle out of your arm! You're Welcome. Dr. Varela bent my arm which had been kept straight for over 3 weeks! I immediately felt amazing! I was free!! I was a battered and scarred version of my prior self but still I was finally untethered!! FREE! Dr. Varela wishing me luck and I told him that I hoped to never see him again in the best way and he released me! So, Here I am! I am getting better daily. I am off of all medication and I am eating. Yeah I still have crappy days but all in all I am improving. My new adventure will be figuring out how to pay the $50,000+ in medical bills! Wish me luck.... I need it!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-56819986081932186012012-07-22T12:35:00.001-07:002012-07-22T14:24:36.596-07:00Most Exciting Summer Ever...?I am pretty healthy. I always have been. My biggest claim to fame growing up was that I had never been in the hospital, had surgery or broken bones. Ha...Ha...Ha. Well at least that last one is still true! I am going to do this story in 2 separate posts because honestly the story is just that long!
So let me begin back on May 29th.
I woke up on May 29th feeling pretty normal except for some slight stiffness in my abdomen. I ignored this and went to work attributing it to my recent regiment of crunches and various other stomach area exercises. By that night I was incredibly sore and curled up into a ball on my bed and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up for work barely able to move without crying in pain. I HAD TO WORK! I need the money so I forced myself up and got ready and suddenly a wave of nausea hit me. I tried to sit down hoping it would pass before I had to leave. It did... After I puked my guts out praying to the porcelain god asking him why he was punishing me! After that I felt great! I convinced my mom it was a fluke and that I could force myself through work. My sister started driving us to work and about halfway there everything came back. I started hurting, sweating and just feeling like the world was turning lopsided. I forced myself through about an hour of cleaning then everything started going a little gray around the edges. I made my way to the car and slumped in the backseat. My sister came out a bit later started the car and explained that our boss had arrived saw me in the car and said take her home. I felt awful but he understood I needed to go. By that night I was in such intense pain that any slight movement resulted in me gasping in pain. By the next morning my mom knew this was serious. So she somehow managed to get me in the car and to the doctor. He got in, asked me what's up and then poked me in the belly... to which I responded by almost passing out. He got all serious and said we needed to get next door to the hospital like now. I needed an appendectomy and I needed one now! So here is where things get blurry. I am not sure if it was because of pain or stress or both. I don't remember driving to the hospital. I remember standing at the emergency entrance waiting for mom to park. Then I remember laying in a gown in a hospital bed. Next I remember my home teachers giving me a blessing. I remember seeing my grandparents and seeing an iv in my arm not knowing how either had got there. Then they wheeled me out and into a room where some people in white half pulled and half lifted me onto a table. Then Nothing. Next thing I know a man was standing near me saying "McKell. McKell. You need to breathe. There were some complications. Yours lungs collapsed so I need you to try and focus on breathing deep." I focused for a couple gasps and then faded again. The next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital room feeling like I had been hit by a bus! It was explained to me that my appendix had not burst although it would have within hours and that during/after the surgery my lungs had collapsed and my heart rate had become erratic. They also told me that my appendix was pretty bad. It was practically dead and horribly infected. They described it as roadkill. They said I would be receiving a spirometer and would have to work on my lungs constantly to prevent pneumonia. The next few days were a blur I was medicated often and just feeling like crap. All I kept thinking was "Why can't I go home? They said most people go home next day!" Then everything went haywire. I had to receive a second iv because I was dehydrated and needed more fluid I freaked because I hate needles! Next I was transferred to the ICU step down unit because my heart rate was dangerously high and wouldn't go down. I was in the ICU for a couple days being constantly monitored and medicated until they felt my heart rate could be controlled, I was also put on this horrible breathing machine to improve my lungs. I hated it! It was a huge mask covering my face that made me look and sound like Darth Vader and Batman's Bane had a love child! During this time the ICU nurse decided a second iv was unnecessary and pulled it. HOURS later my original iv blew and had to be removed. I was told I would have to receive a 3rd iv. I bawled and begged them not to until they finally called my doctor and after promising to basically sell my soul he agreed to not put in a new iv! *sigh* Finally I was admitted back to a room. Throughout this stay I was x-rayed every day and they told me that I had pneumonia and my lungs were clouded. So every day they were tracking my lungs to see any improvement. I continued with the stupid breathing machine and did as they told me. The one dark spot everyone had with me was I couldn't eat but I pacified them by drinking those disgusting Boost and Ensure drinks and forcing a spoonful of yogurt into my mouth. During one of my last few days of containment I started feeling extremely weird... like a caged animal! I started hallucinating seeing these awful creatures all around me. From a screaming woman banging on my window to these gremlins things climbing out of my garbage can! I didn't say anything to anyone out of fear I was going completely insane! It lasted for hours! After finally bursting into tears because of these creatures my family got me help. Come to find out what I was experiencing was common among long hospital visits. They assured me I wasn't crazy and that I was just experiencing a anxiety attack on steroids! So I was given yet another medication... this one to calm my anxiety and the creatures and the feelings of capture went away! Finally after almost a week of hospital fun I was allowed one bright spot. A shower! Only downside I had to BE showered. Nothing more humiliating than having to have someone else wash you. But at least it was one of my favorite nurses and she made me feel less awkward about my situation. Finally on June 8th I was allowed to leave!! I was told to take it easy, work on my spirometer (I could only blow a 750 which is BAD) and come back Monday for lab work. YAY! I went home and still couldn't eat and just didn't feel very great. Monday my family had tickets to see a movie so we went to the hospital and did my blood work then went to the movie. The movie was 3/4 of the way through when my grandma appeared in the theater and said "The hospital called there was a problem with the labs she needs to see a doctor now!"......
To Be Continued...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-34426657247328359682012-02-29T22:24:00.002-08:002012-02-29T22:31:15.136-08:00Smoke SignalsLife Sucks. That's all there really is to it. At my age I should be doing at least one if not all of the following: 1. Working 2. Going to school 3. Dating 4. Not living with mom 5. Socializing/Living. I'm not doing anything cause I am stuck in this crappy situation that I can't seem to get to improve!! Plus to add to the awesomeness that is my life my mom found out today that she tested positive for lupus!! Seriously... Did that really have to happen. I swear I honestly feel like at this point God has completely forgotten about me... Like he turned the trial switch up on my life then went to make a sandwich and forgot me! I need help!! I am hoarse from calling for help! I am drowning!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-21779813243038154472012-01-31T21:29:00.000-08:002012-02-02T10:15:58.320-08:00Falling Off A Mountain<div><p>Ever had a moment when you feel like you are on top of the world and nobody cane take you down? I have! I love it! Ever have that moment where someone takes that prior moment and rips the carpet out from under you? Yeah I had that too! So, I got a job back in September! Yay! It was at Quiznos I made sandwiches! I loved my job! I loved my coworkers! I loved making money and making plans for school and moving out finally!! Then... Well... Then it all hit a wall. Shortly after New Years I was informed that I would no longer have a job. Quiznos was closing. Basically I made this face O.O and then this face :( then finally this face >,.< yeah not a happy time for me. Suddenly my dreams of going to school and moving out flew out the window and over the flipping rainbow! So here I am... In a small town that I spent 3 years begging for a job in... Once again begging for a job. Awesome. *sigh* At least I have gas money for now. I was just crushed to have found something that I loved and could claim as mine so quickly ripped from my hands! That feeling sucks! I loved my life finally! I tried to stay positive while working for the last few days with them saying "just say the word and we will give you a great reference for a job interview!" I was happy they wanted to help and grateful they are soo willing to say nice things about me, but, in reality I don't care. I don't want a reference. I don't want someone to say nice things about me to whoever I am interviewing with. I want that one thing that made me feel awesome! I want that place that I felt excited to go to! I want the reason to wake up and get dressed! I just want my job back! :(</p>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-30775300994261985072011-11-17T22:49:00.000-08:002011-11-17T22:50:36.938-08:00BacklashDON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE REAL ME!! There is probably a damn good reason why I live my life the way I do! How DARE you tell people (like my mom) that my sister and I are crazy for not going out more often or for not meeting new people! If this is someone who does "know me personally" well then you better look deeper! Yeah we might not go out much... Well here's an idea! Maybe we only feel secure in our own home! Okay, so we don't have a lot of friends our age! Well maybe they are the only ones that will stick by us when they see our dark secrets! Oh, we don't ever go out and act our age and do fun stuff? How would you feel if everytime you go out and try something new or meet new people you have to fight every demon you have? Every step ahead you have to struggle and fight with that little voice in your head that tells you that you are a screw up because that is all you have ever been told? How would you cope if everytime someone new talks to you your mind builds a wall soo thick you can't even think straight because you are soo petrified of being decieved, hurt or built up just for the joy of that person pushing you and watching you fall?! THAT'S what it's like to be me! If you were to hear or read this and be surprised then you have NO RIGHT to draw any conclusions about the way I live MY LIFE!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-64428974847822327432011-08-13T18:02:00.000-07:002011-08-13T18:18:35.019-07:00UltimatumWhat would you do if you found out that it was someone's last day to live?
<br />A complete stranger. Someone you have never seen before.
<br />Would you do everything in your power to save them. To break the path they are on and to give their family back their child/siblingz etc. they would have lost. All the while not caring what reprocussions such an act would bring for you and for this person whose life was supposed to end.
<br />Or
<br />Would you have the faith and the courage to stand there and realize that everything in life has it's purpose. That even though someone's child lost their life soo soon that maybe, just maybe, it may have been needed in some way.
<br />This is an extremely tough question I have been pondering.
<br />On the one hand you have someone whose life is going to be cut short suddenly and often times tragically. Yes, the family would be spared of their pain of losing someone soo dear and have more time with their loved one.... but what is the cost?
<br />On the other hand you, given this knowledge, would knowingly let this person die. But you would hold on and then see the lingering effect this person had. Sometimes on more lives after death than during life. This person's loss of life could be the key to saving many more.
<br />So this is where your choice comes in...
<br />Save Them or Let Them Go?
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-59366372682253302492011-07-28T19:22:00.000-07:002011-07-28T19:26:36.304-07:00VowThe only way you will ever be truly happy when you think of me will be the day you find me lying in a ditch having finally given up trying to keep my footing in life. I will have been broken hearted and alone, taking my last forced breath. I will have given you what you have always wanted from me... My broken spirit. I promise you, if it takes everything that I have in me, everything that I am.... you will NEVER be happy when your mind leads you to me!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-2065041630973948942011-05-10T16:14:00.000-07:002011-05-10T16:33:37.284-07:00Can you please hand me my jaw? It just fell to the floor!Okay so I know it has been forever and I should do the whole what have I been up to lately thing but I won't!! Know why?! I had something insane happen to me today that is much more important that my lack of social life!! Okay cue factory! So ever since the whole falling out with boyfriend Eric which was incredibly nasty and hurtful, I have been kind of hovering in a limbo of sorts! What happen? Why would he say that? Etc. It became worse when like a week or two after the fallout he became engaged! I have pretty much been lost in this tunnel of self doubt, anger, sadness... okay you get the point! Well almost 2 weeks ago he had his wedding! Since then I have been thinking of what I needed to do to get myself up and put him past me! Well my idea was to accept it all and put myself out there by writing him and telling him congratulations and wish him well! Of course I chickened out for like a week until yesterday! It was a stressful day and I got on Facebook and saw he had posted status stuff! Which made think about my plan and so I decided what the heck the day was already crappy!! Now I sent this never expecting any answer back and I was fine with that!! Worst case scenario was that he would write back being just as rude and hurtful as he had been last summer but I figured it wouldn't hurt me more than it had!! Well I went to bed that night feeling better about myself for getting up the courage to wish him well!! Now marks the jaw dropper!! I woke up the next morning and had a new message! It was Eric! He wrote me and apologized for what a jerk he had been and told me that even though it took him a year to do it he wanted to apologize and let me know it was his fault not mine!! I was floored!! I had tears in my eyes!! All of these months I had been beating myself for something I thought I had done and as soon as I read his message I felt this release!! Like someone flicked on the lights and showed me where the door was!! I am soo glad that I decided to put my own hurt aside and show him kindness because even though he may not realize it he gave me the greatest gift of kindness he could have given me! He apologized and gave me the key to the door that has been blocking me from walking into the future unburdened and unafraid of that part of the past!! I thank him for being strong enough to apologize and help me heal!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-13223673269083297592011-03-02T12:22:00.000-08:002011-03-02T12:49:52.322-08:00Clique Schmick!So I just noticed something the other day! High School cliques still hold up even after high school!! That sucks.... especially if you are me!! Let me begin with this... In high School there are 3 distinct food group so to speak. The Populars, this basically groups together jocks, cheerleaders, funny people and basically anyone who you envied in school! Next is the Bad kids, the druggies, the gangsters and others who you avoid just in case they decide they want to hurt someone! Lastly we have the nobodies, this includes anyone else from the geeks, the quiet ones and all those people you look through your yearbook and say who is that?! I unfortunately belonged to the latter group. I was the painfully shy, smart goody two shoes that people tended to pretend weren't there. I was always overly eager to please my teachers and followed my parent's orders to the T! I was a nobody... which sucks because it has followed over into real life! For example On facebook I will search up people I went to school with and try to "friend" them but end up being denied.... or they friend me long enough to make me feel good and then delete me. Yet there are the Populars who everyone and their dog adds in hopes of being included among their friends and because they are the cool people they add them back just to rack up their friend totals. Even the "bad" kids are added just so people can say oooo I am their friend guess I am protected! This sucks! Also what I hate to see are teachers that I loved in school and worked my butt off in their classes denying me friendship they soo readly give other students! Some of these teachers I felt I gained a friendship with in school and who would tell me what a "Awesome student I was and how much they enjoyed being near me..." That's total BS!! I have requested several teachers on Facebook all of whom have basically my entire graduating class on their lists and I get denied every time! Those who do add me I try to write and converse with like the Populars and end up never getting responses.... and yet everyday I see new conversations pop up between these teachers and those lucky people! Why is it that you are only remembered from High School for either the Bad reasons or the "Popular" reasons? Or out of pity! Like "that poor soul they are probably still out there with their nose in a book alone!" Why can't people remember you for reasons other than you were Shy, Pretty, The Class Clown or a Jock?? Why do these things place soo much influence on the rest of your life? Why can't people look at me and say "Oh, she was really quiet in school but how about I try to get to know her now? She has probably become a great person!" I hated those cliques in school and I continue to hate them now! Yes there are those who have grown out of them and have branched out with friendships and I applaud them for doing soo! Without them I would be a very lonely Facebooker! Yet there are still walls that make you strictly a contact... not a friend. Anyway I guess my point is if I would have known that being the quiet goody two shoes in school would affect me socially in post-high school times I would have let my hair down, thrown on a blingy shirt and some high heels and said to hell with being cautious! But unfortunately I can't go back so I will just have to keep showing the world my true colors and hope that people see that and realize that I am worth friending online and in real life!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-56116070795235349732011-02-18T09:34:00.000-08:002011-02-18T10:50:26.910-08:00Blueberry, Ice phone, Nexuses..... ANDROID!!!!Guess where I am blogging from? My brand new android phone! I still can't even believe it!! So on Wednesday my mom called me and said that my sister and I needed to come meet her at the at&t store for a new phone which we were happy about because our phones are old and have problems! Little did we know she bought us the brand new Android that had just been released on Valentines day and to top it off she got an unlimited texting plan! It also came with a media plan with a WiFi connection! We have been having the best time the last 2 days!! Downloading apps., surfing and texting! It is awesome! Anyone wanting an awesome phone should definitely get an Android! All I can say is I-who?? <br />I LOVE MY MOM! :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-40783657074141930072011-02-14T20:15:00.000-08:002011-02-14T20:38:09.602-08:00When The Moon Hits Your EyePizza. <br />How can a one five letter word describe a holiday soo well? Well let's put it in perspective! How many people celebrate Valentines day to the caliber that my family does? This holiday is as extensive to our family as Thanksgiving and Christmas are to others!! Let me set the table for you! You are sitting in your seat and looking in front of you you see a plate laden with Valentines goodies! This year is chocolates, a gorgeous ring and new socks!! Next to your plate in a big ol' margarita glass filled with strawberry daiquiri just waiting to be slurped up! Also next to your plate is a cute little dish filled with chocolate pudding and whipped cream topped with chocolate hearts!! As you are sitting there resisting the temptation to eat your pudding before dinner you smell it!! PIZZA!! The traditional heart shaped pizza of valentines day! You have chosen to top it with bbq chicken this year instead of traditional pepperoni and judging by the smell of chicken and cheese assualting your nose you know that it was a good choice! The timer goes off and your grab your plate and hoist it in the air waiting for the familiar weight of the yearly delicasey! There it is! You lower it to just below eye level and take it in! The beautiful browned crust, the gooey cheese and the little specks of sauce poking out the edge! You dig in, careful not to repeat prior years experiences when you burn your mouth from impatience, and chew it slowly. AMAZING! Every thought in your mind is now focused on that pizza and nothing else! You eat till you feel close to bursting knowing what doesn't get eaten is tomorrow's lunch! Then turn your sights on the creamy pudding! Small enough portion to not take up much space! Just when you think you couldn't place another piece of food in your mouth you realize something!! I haven't eaten a chocolate strawberry yet!!! You grab one and examine it closely. Perfectly covered with just the right amount of chocolate! Starting to ooze the delicious syrup that the strawberries produce! You start by licking the syrup off! Savoring the taste that only a strawberry can create! Satisfied that you have removed every trace you take your first bite! Heaven!! That is what Heaven would taste like if you could eat it! You remain on cloud 9 for 3 strawberries and then after savoring every last bite you return back to the earth!<br />Gone is then need for flowers and teddy bears! All you need is Pizza and a couple strawberries dipped in chocolate!<br />That is Valentines Day for my family and we wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING! :]Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-69672738597386769362011-02-07T11:32:00.000-08:002011-02-07T11:54:30.137-08:00Super Brawl XLV!!Geez! Who would have thought that Super Bowl Day would turn into Super Brawl Day?! Not me that's for sure! So over the last year my mom and I have been butting heads! But on Sunday everything bowled over!<br /> We have been put in a hard spot over the last little while! She is working to support the family after my stepdad left and my sister and I had been home essentially raising our little brother and taking household needs under our belts! Now that our brother is starting school my mom has been pushing job searching onto us! There are just a couple problems with that! 1) We can't both get jobs together so it will take a little time. 2) We only have one car to share. 3) We have to work our schedules around making sure we have someone home when our little brother is home from school. 4) We are far enough away from other towns that paying for driving isn't worth the pay we would get. 5) We are in the middle of a flippin recession in a town that has 1/2 the jobs required for the amount of people living here!! What more can she expect us to do!? The only jobs available require you to either have a college degree, biligual abilities or experience pertaining to the job! The first two I do not have and the third how the crap do I get that experience if you won't hire me so I can learn?!<br />So now we are stuck at home searching for jobs along with the rest of the towns population hoping that we will happen to beat out someone else for a job!! Meanwhile we have to hear about our "lack of effort" everyday of our lives from our mom! How is this fair? I have given up 4 years of my life to raise your child, clean your house and make your food and now all of a sudden none of that matters and I am just a moocher? Yeah Thanks for that!<br /> I hate fighting with my mother! I hate having to say things that might make her sad or mad! She is my mother! BUT when you are beat down everyday for putting your best effort into your everyday life something in you starts to break! Be it self esteem or self control I do not know! But there hits a point when you cannot take it anymore and you have to stick your neck on that chopping block and hope that the words coming out of your mouth will still the axe for at least a little while longer!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-43367012675747902182011-01-13T16:49:00.000-08:002011-01-13T17:04:10.962-08:00The Ghost of Mr. Chicken!!Okay so I have a weird experience from last night and a back story!!! YAY!!<br />So the backstory is that supposedly the itsy bitsy house that my family lives in right now used to be a chicken coop way back when!! Weird right?!<br />So last night I had a big run in with what I believe was the paranormal!!! So I had to do laundry last night because my bedding was nasty thanks to the doggie!! Anyways it was late and cold so I had to get my quilt finished for bed!! Anyways around 10 pm my mom wanted me to lock the door, so I went out and locked them and tucked the chairs at the kitchen table in! Later at about 10:30 I had to go check my quilt in the dryer! Now by then everyone in the house was in bed asleep! So I go to take some laundry out and check my blanket when I run into a chair into the kitchen! I look and one of the chairs was pulled out!! Like WAY out! As if someone was sitting in it! So I thought that was kinda weird but shook it off, tucked in the chair and continued into the laundry room! After waiting for the dryer to finish! Approximately 5 minutes I went back into the kitchen and the exact same chair was pulled out AGAIN!!! I immediately freaked out and ran into my room where I told my sister!! I was scared outta my mind!! So my sister said it was okay and I tried to calm down but then I got really hot!! Which is hard in a house that doesn't get above 70*!! So I got soo hot but I had a spot on my back that was soo cold it hurt!! I ended up curling up in bed trying to sleep and refusing to open my eyes!!<br />SO Here is my theory!!<br />The ghost of a slaughtered chicken has come back to take revenge on the humans who have invaded their coop!! A.K.A. ME!!!!!!!!!!!! <br />AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!<br />Don't hurt me chicken!! I promise I didn't know this was a coop before we came here!! Take it out on the people who really did it! NOT ME!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-89096408401421894552010-12-10T16:24:00.000-08:002010-12-10T16:47:10.546-08:00Recap Referee!Hello Blog!! I missed you!! I know you are not an actual person therefore can not have feelings but how are you? I feel as if I have not spoken to you in forever!! Which is partially true!! There are soo many times in the last week I thought to myself "I should put that on my blog!!" But have sadly not had the opportunity to do so! RECAP TIME!! I had a birthday!!! Yes blog it is true!! You are looking at a bonafide 22 year old!! I know I made that sound way cooler than it actually is but I cannot help myself! I had my birthday last November and it passed rather quietly! My mom and sister took me on a shopping adventure and we got to hang out all day! Then we went and saw Box Elder High School's performance of Phantom of the Opera! It was EPIC!! Since then everything has been as it usually is... Slow moving! I still have no job and no social life but I am surviving! Oooo! Oooo! It's almost Christmas!!! Ah-aaaah!! I love Christmas! I think it is my favorite time of the year! The smell of candy, wrapping paper, new toys and smelly people pushing past you in Walmart to grab a can of cranberry sauce!! Yep Christmas is amazing!! Nothing better if you ask me! <br />BLOG!! I made a new friend! I almost forgot to tell you!! Well okay I should start with talking about my first new friend Dillan!! He is Epic! I told him so! Anyways Mandi became random facebook friends with him and has been for a couple years! Anyways we met him for the first time on Halloween which btw, was Awesome!! My costume was genius! So we met him for the first time and he was amazing!! Like the awesome brother we wish we had! He is soo funny and totally fits us perfectly! So now speed up to like 4 days ago! Facebook said Dillan was online so I opened up a chat with him! Well it ended up being his roommate Jonathon, who stole Dillan's computer! I ended up chatting with him all night! He is alot like Dillan in the way that they are both soo easy and fun to talk to! So we have been chatting constantly and it is awesome!! I hope I get to meet him cause he and Dillan are like my best friends!!<br />Well I am done blabbing for now! Hope you like your new makeover!<br />Peace this blogger's OUT!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-46457394791638579682010-10-07T22:33:00.000-07:002010-10-07T22:55:30.442-07:00EpidemicCan I just say that I am very upset with how cruel people can be!! It amazes me sometimes the insane amounts of inhumanity that people in this world can dish out towards others! It is nuts! I have stopped watching the news lately because that is all they seem to talk about! People treating people worse than abused animals!! <br /> Just yesterday they were talking about military protests at soldier's funerals and I was shocked at how these people can go to a young man's funeral and tell his family that their child will burn in hell for protecting the country that gives them their rights!! I don't care what your feelings are about war! I hate it as much as the next person and wish it would end BUT you have NO RIGHT to go to the mourning site of a family and disrespect them and the child that they had to put in the ground! I don't care if you do it 100 yard away, next to the grave or even in the next state! You have NO RIGHT to say that a young man DESERVED to die!<br /> Another debate is about Gay Right's and the LDS church! Yes Elder Packer said the LDS religion defines marriage as Man/Woman and yes he said it isn't right to legalize immoral unions and acts! He nor any other member of the presidency have EVER said we do not accept these people as children of God! The Gay and Lesbian community protest constantly making it sound as if we as members think them to be a disease of the earth to wipe out and take rights from! We have never denied them the right to be free to love whomever they choose but they have chosen to perform lewd acts on sacred ground and protest what we hold sacred! The church has never once responded in a rude manner towards this community and yet they constantly seek out opportunities to make "examples" of the mormons! It is insane!<br /> Lastly and possibly the most sad is of how many young children I have seen murdered or attempted to have their young lives shorten by their parents! Young children beaten by their mother, father, step-parents and others simply because they were "annoyed" with the child's behavior! Also those parent's who have attempted and a few times suceeded to take not only their lives but their children's also! How have we sunk soo low in our time that when we turn to suicide we have to take our children to either not be alone or "protect" them?! Protection is exactly what these poor children are being denied! When will we stop the violence?<br /> Cancer, HIV, Aids, Drugs, Alcohol! None of these compare anymore! Violence is the worst disease we have infecting our country! Until we realize this and make sufficient attempts to find and administer a "cure" we are doomed to continue infecting the populous and cutting short Lives that could have been happy, loving and fulfilled!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-88334015287297412942010-09-23T20:30:00.000-07:002010-09-23T20:38:13.341-07:00LimboSo basically just a little update on what has happened since the last time I posted! Life is pretty much the same except my friendship with Cali is falling apart! I will explain it more in the near future but let's just say she has changed alot and not for the better in my opinion! I have taken to deleting her husband Jake from my friends on facebook because I don't need his poison in my life! I would rather not be associated with him! *sigh* I feel like I have a theme song for my life at the moment and that song is "Another one bites the dust" I swear I can't have friends or something! I am either extremely unlucky with friends or there is something about me that keeps me from being able to have them because just since May I have lost 3 of my dearest friends!! That can't be normal! *sigh* I don't really blame any of them for not wanting to be my friends.... I am a pitiful excuse for a person. I mean look at me! I am almost 22 years old, I have no job, I can't go to school cause I have no money, I still live with my mom and I hardly ever get to go anywhere and do anything with people my age! I am just a waste of useful air! I can't seem to get anything to change either!! I can't get a job no matter where I apply and I would go on a mission but my church records are stuck in limbo and can't seem to find their way to where I need them and besides I have never been "spiritual" enough to be accepted as a missionary anyway! Plus everyone I talk to says I can't go unless I can pay for it! So here I am still stuck and useless...<br />Yeah I really can't blame them for ditching me at this point.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-53286683869357807142010-08-19T16:51:00.000-07:002010-08-19T17:11:29.817-07:00MEN!! Can't live with them but without them life would probably suck!Ticked Off!!<br />That is exactly how I feel at this moment!! So honestly blog I think men are dumb!! I thought Pete was one of the best friends I could have ever asked for but then everything came unraveled like a badly knitted sweater! Everything was great until we found out that he was engaged to his girlfriend whom he had told me he had broken up with probably for good! Not only that but he acted like we were being unjustifiably angry that he hadn't told us that not only was he still dating her but that it was that serious! Plus a couple days before he proposed he sat and told us how he didn't want a girlfriend when he left for the army, was not interested in marriage and pretty much didn't want to deal with women for a while! Then he goes and gets engaged! It's not even that but thinking back over the last couple months alot of things didn't add up with him! There were stories that we would hear a couple times that kept changing everytime we heard them! Plus there were the times he would ditch saying he had family stuff only to find out later that he had been with his girlfriend! He lied to my sister about camping with his family too! He didn't even go with his family it was his girlfriend's!! Looking back I really don't know what to actually believe! It seems like everything he ever told us was either a complete fabrication, twisted a little or a beat around a bush! I feel quite stupid for letting 2 guys I truly trusted jerk me around!! Do I have a sign on my forehead saying "Hey guys! She is a complete bonehead! Take advangtage of her trusting nature!" I don't know how I keep getting mixed up with these guys! The sad part is just over this summer I lost my only boyfriend and one of my best friends! All because they can't be straight with me! HOW HARD IS THAT?!?!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-91692734357984754982010-07-21T21:37:00.000-07:002010-07-21T22:05:58.228-07:00Roll! Roll! Roll In Zee Grass!! Then EAT IT YOSHI!!Soo... I figured that since the last post was a downer I will also put up a more light hearted post! Yesterday I was having a downer day which brought me to tears a few times! When I logged onto Facebook I posted the following as my status: "Don't always assume that someone is ok because most likely they aren't... Maybe they just don't want you to see them fall apart." Because honestly that's how I felt! My family (except Mandi) seems to look at me and see a normal me even though inside I feel like a rabid wolverine was let loose to rip me apart! I look fine but I feel... I dunno. Broken. My family doesn't realize this. They think I have moved on from my "ordeal" and am now happy as a clam. I am not the type of person that will just break down and let the world see my raw emotions. I just can't. I feel like a new species that is being studied to see what's different from the norm. Mostly this comes from my "lovely" childhood which was wracked with fear of letting my true self show and stupid idiot Therapists who didn't want it to be shown! I am just an not comfortable showing myself unless I am trully comfortable with a certain person. Anyways I am rambling off topic! So I posted my status and who rushes to my rescue other that my knight in shining armor! Pete!! Yep he rocks! So as soon as he sees that and practically smells the deep need for a friend he swoops down and asks if I need his assistance! Isn't he awesome!! So I told him I was just feeling lonely and wanted someone to hang out and what does he say? I'll be over in a minute! Yesiree he is the best! He also gave me a good life by stating that he just got showered and would be here as soon as he found some pants! hahahahaha! Yep... but that is a different story which I do not want to jump into right now! :)<br /> So fast forward a few minutes and he is here! Ta-Da! It was soo much fun because he was here from like 9 p.m. til no joke 4 a.m.!! It was the best night ever! Mandi, Pete and I just laid on a blanket in the yard forever! Kourtney was there too but sadly she left at like 12 or 1 ish. Anyways we basically just were talking, goofing and being random when suddenly at like 3 a.m. Pete and Mandi get in this HUGE wrestling match! They were trying to make each other eat grass.... gross but highly entertaining to watch! I watched them basically pretzel up with each other neither being able to move for like severals minutes because they were soo tangled! They went at it for almost an hour until it ended in a prolonged time out seeing as neither would give in to defeat! Sadly after it ended Pete left.... I cried. No not really but I was sad to see him go! I love having him around because he just makes life happy! Especially lately when I need someone to keep my mind off sad thoughts and on the happy wackyness of life! And no I am not just saying this because I know you will be reading this Peter!! I mean it! It was one of the funnest nights ever! It is up there with the Jewish Wedding Party hahaha! I wish I would have joined in the ruckus, Mandi was saying today "why didn't you jump into the wrestling fun?!" But I am a gutless, spineless, fearful little worm who is afraid of talking to a cute pizza delivery boy let alone wrestling with an attractive guy friend! Yes Pete I did just say that! Make fun of me later! Plus obviously I am weird because I cannot say the word Sexy in a normal voice. I practiced for a while today but I still think it sounds off... I am odd I know! Anyways that was my awesome night with AWESOME Peter and AWESOME Mandi!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-54496369051979106142010-07-21T21:17:00.000-07:002010-07-21T21:37:35.590-07:00Failure to Re-LaunchBlog! Hi there!<br />I have been wanting to blog for the past 2 weeks now but whenever I get on the computer I only have time for the basics and then have to get off! But I am here now and feel like rambling for a little while! So... Things have been pretty rocky for me this last week. I had a bad time a while back and decided to write Eric and ask him what was happening with us? Then preceeded to tell him that I felt I was not treated fairly by him doing that! As I told you before I had not heard from him in over a month! Well he wrote back and said some things that honestly really really hurt. It's not that I am completely heartbroken over the fact that he basically told me to kiss off it hurts that I wasted 2-3 years on a guy who obviously didn't care that much for me, it's that what he said struck at what he knows is one of my biggest insecurities! Plus he used the same crap that my family has pulled on me for years saying that "negativty breeds negativity. negative energy asks why positive energy asks why not." I have heard that from my family all the time! They always tell me I am a negative person when I am having one down day and that I am the reason my life sucks! So for him to hurl that at me after I had told him how much it hurts to hear that from people stung bad! I hate it when you confide your deepest fears and weaknesses to people and they end up using them against you! The only thing that hit a nerve with me was that he said "you attach all of your emotions to one thing and when that one thing fails your devestated." I was really confused when I read his statement because isn't that the point of a relationship? You invest your emotins into that one person striving for it to succeed! So why wouldn't I have attached a great deal of myself to him? I have been looking back at myself and feel soo extremely stupid for waiting by the door, listening for the mailman, craving his letters! I was waiting on a guy who obviously never exsisted or cared about me as deeply as he let on in his letters. I hurt but at the same time I am almost happy... is that weird? I guess for soo long I placed my feelings for him wherever I was told! My family was constantly saying "Stay with him no matter what! He is a great guy and a missionary!" When there were times that I honestly would question whether we were as compatable as everyone said? As much as it hurts knowing what I know now I guess I should be happy that I am not still floating around in that abyss of silence he shoved me into a couple months ago. The truth hurts but I guess it is better than not knowing what happened. Right?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-77787176961902293982010-06-19T22:21:00.000-07:002010-06-19T22:55:03.063-07:00God's ApologyBLOG!!!<br />I have had the best 30 hours ever!! So you want to know what happened? Huh...Huh?!?! I knew you did!! So I have been in a major funk lately, yes? You remember this discussion, correct? Good! I knew you were a smart little blog! So to shock myself out of my funk we decided to have a pizza party and invite Pete over to hang out with myself, Mandi and Kourtney! You know eat, talk, play games and well just be random!! It was awesome! I know Pete feels bad cause he kept getting calls and ended up having to leave suddenly but honestly I hope he knows we weren't upset about it at all! Life happens we live, love and die. The End! But anyways I am getting off subject aren't I? So Pete came over and we made homemade pizza and basically ate and talked for an hour or two and then we decided to play a game!! Mom had just bought Sneaks which is a variation of Spoons only instead of hard, dangerous metal spoons we had plastic sneakers! It was hilarious amounts of fun!! I felt bad though because Kourtney ended up scratching Pete a few times during the game! Yes Blog, plastic sneakers are just as dangerous as spoons!! After a forever long but very enjoyable game of Sneaks we went outside and talked for a bit in the dark! It was nice cause it had gotten so hot in the house since we were all crazy jumping monkeys in the kitchen fighting over 2 inch sneakers and outside it was starting to get windy so it was like heaven!! Until I decided to lay down in the grass and dampen my back with the slight water left over from irrigating! Then I was cold!! Mind you Blog this was at midnight! Not long after that Pete got a call and had to rush off! We were curious as to why he had to leave all of a sudden but honestly at that point I was just soo over joyed that he had come and we had soo much fun!! So yes blog for the first night in many nights I went to sleep feeling very happy and not as lonely! I loved it! Then I woke up this morning and found out that Taylan (from tremonton) had become my friend on Facebook! Not only that he was online and started chatting with me!! I was soo happy! Honestly I never thought he would ever remember me let alone talk to me ever again! It was wonderful! He actually just got back from his mission a couple days ago! He went to an island down by Australia.... forgive me blog I forgot the name! It was a French colony though so he now speaks fluent French! He is doing well and is planning on continuing his med. school that was put on hold when he left for his mission! I am soo happy for him! He was my dearest friend and I wish him all the best! I hope that we can continue being friends and not lose touch again! I know when I left Bothwell and pretty much knew I would never see him again a part of me never really recovered from the loss. It's funny though isn't it Blog? I have 2 years of hopes and dreams pretty much thrown in my face, feel worthless, useless you name it for a little bit and here comes Pete to rescue me! Bring me into a happier place and comfort me while I am figuring out how to pick up the pieces of myself and move on and then out of nowhere my dearest childhood friend reconnects with me after all of these years! I don't know about you but it almost feels as if this last 30 hours is God's way of saying "I Love You, McKell. I'm sorry you are hurting."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-77848508800316008562010-06-11T14:32:00.000-07:002010-06-11T14:45:12.354-07:00Dog-Pile<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Hello there blog!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> I am sorry I ignored you for a while but the last month has put me in a terribly depressed funk! But just know that I love you and missed you terribly! There were many times that I longed to check in and write about what I am feeling but I could never find the right words to use! It's like I am feeling all of these emotions that I can't really describe. Which stinks because when you don't even know what you are feeling it makes you confused which heaps another feeling on top of the already chaotic dog pile of mixed up emotions! It seems like lately friendships that were soo near and dear to my heart have been dropped, cracked and violently misstreated while friendships that I had thought disappated over the years have been brought back stronger than they ever were! If it wasn't for those friendships resurfacing I don't think I would be in a good of a mind set as I am at this moment! Though it is not mentally or emotionally where I would really want to be it is better than the darker scarier alternative! I have a problem, dearest blog, that I cannot seem to come to a conclusion about! There are people on boths sides of this problem giving me seperate advice but I don't know which to follow! I think I have problems when it comes to problem solving because ever since I was little I would sit and stress out about making a right or wrong choice afraid of it being the outcome that I didn't want! So instead I sit and muddle around until either the answer hurls itself into my face, someone makes a decision for me or I become soo stressed out about making a choice that I blindly hurl a choice out there for better or worse! It is all terribly confusing and stressful! I hate it when I am put in those positions! I also hate it when I invest soo much of myself into something only to be shutdown, kick around, and ignored! It sucks! </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> Anyway that is what has been keeping me away from you, My Blog! I am sorry it took me soo long to find the words to say but hopefully now that I have found my tongue it will take a small body off of the dog pile so that I can actually function in my daily life! </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-59396782668809073582010-05-15T11:35:00.000-07:002010-05-15T11:52:43.481-07:00A Night At The Movies<span style="font-family:lucida grande;"> I hate it when you look forward to something forever and then when it finally comes it lets you down! I'm not talking floating to the ground with a parachute! I am talking pushed out of an airplane with 20 pound weights tied to each ankle, strapped to a backpack filled with rocks and the pilot waving saying "see ya sucker!" This is how I feel right at this moment! </span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;"> It like when you read a book! It's the best book you have ever read in your life! You can't put it down until you finish it and even when you do finish you can't wait to pick it back up and re-read it! Then one day you find out they are making it into a movie! You wait 1-2 years imagining how awesome this movie is going to be and you are already making your budget to buy the movie and soundtrack! The day has come and you walk into the theater feeling more excited than you have ever felt in your life and sit down fidgeting waiting for the lights to dim! 2 hours later.... You trudge out of the theater feeling as though your world has been completely shattered! The actors don't fit the part, the music doesn't set the mood, the story line doesn't follow the book whatsoever and the movie just looks all around cheap! You just spent around $25 on a movie that you hated! All of your hopes from the last 2 years completely dashed! Your dreams ripped right out from underneath your feet! All you can think of is "Why?" Why is the movie soo much worse than the book? Why did the story line change? Why were those actors soo wrong in their roles? Why did they pick that music? Why did I get my hopes up? </span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;"> This is exactly how I feel as of this moment! I know those of you reading this are wondering "What book and movie is she talking about?" Well it's not about a book or a movie! I have had that happen many times and I get over it and move on! But when this instance happens with an event in your life it is harder to accept and try and figure out how to move on! Because, unlike a movie where the producers, writers and directors and the ones controlling how the movie looks and sounds, there isn't anyone messing with my book! So when something suddenly changes it is hard for me to accept because I don't know what changed, how or when it changed, who did it or why..... I am just the person walking out of a theater of a movie that let me down.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-63789899501294506872010-05-11T10:18:00.000-07:002010-05-11T10:43:13.700-07:00Swiss CheeseEver have those times when you think about days gone by and can't seem to remember certain events?? Well I certainly do... every day! The last week I have been reflecting on my past and have come to realize I honestly can't remember alot of things! It seems like from age 16 back my memory is looking mmore and more like swiss cheese! Pretty much any point in time where I was with my dad it's either foggy or just not there! It bothers me alot not being able to remember what went on! I have a handfull of memories accounted for. Christmas one year looking at the tree, a dark night when I was probably 10 hiding under a couch calling my mom, the incident with the banister that I would rather not explain, and a couple other obscure memories. So many times I have wondered "What I am missing?" What is soo horrible in these forgotten times that my brain is shielding me from? Part of me wants to unlock these secrets just so that I can finally understand why I have come to block them but part of me is scared to death that I would not want to know! Is it worth the price that I would emotionally have to pay to see what happened? I thought when I turned 18 I could turn my back on my father and just walk away and never have to be hurt by him again! Little did I know then that he would continue to rip me apart inside to this day! I was reminded the other day of a horrible night I had to spend with my father about a year ago. I had gone shopping with my Grandma that day and kept taking my phone out of my pocket seeing my dad's number! I had gone almost a year without seeing him and I really didn't want to finish that streak now! After my grandma talked to me for a bit she convinced me to at least answer the phone...so I did. He wanted to go to dinner that night and even though I really hated the thought I humored my grandma's idea that maybe he wanted to reconcile with me. I went to dinner. For an hour I sat at the small table staring at a barely touched sandwich while my father told me all that was wrong with me! He told me that he would have beaten the sh*t out of me if he could have the day that I turned down my art scholarship! Also how if I were living under his roof being a lazy jobless sack of sh*t he wouldn't hesitate to throw me out into the street! How I was doing what I always had done! Using people and never giving anything in return! I sat there crying taking his abuse as I had done for years! Hating myself for not speaking up and watching through tears as not one person in that room stood up to say anything! Just sitting there eating their food and pretending they couldn't hear or see what was going on right next to them! Did my dad know how I had turned down the art scholarship to stay at home and help my mom who had just had her husband walk out? No! Did he know I didn't have a job because I was raising my baby brother while my mom was working trying to support her children by herself? No! Did he know at that point I already felt so low about myself that for over a year I had considered dying as opposed to feeling like a burden and a failure? No! Did he care? No he didn't! All he cared about at that point was once again making sure that he could control me! I hated myself more that day then I ever did in my life! I hated that even at 19-20 years old I still couldn't stand up to him! I hated that when I was younger being hauled into court and counseling sessions that I couldn't make them believe what I was seeing, hearing and feeling! I hate that even when I try to rid myself from him he is still there somehow making sure I remember that control! I think that is why these forgotten memories bother me soo much! Something happened in those memories that my mind and my father want me to forget! But I don't want to! I want to know what is in there because even if it does hurt me to remember I want to know! That is the one thing that I don't want my father to have control over! My memories!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-65049867205605577922010-05-06T11:24:00.001-07:002010-05-06T11:39:17.623-07:00Time in Retrospect<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">It's quite sad how in our current state we seem to underestimate how quickly time is passing our busy little lives right by! In retrospect we are the tractor driving 10 mph on a busy highway while a Ferrari driving 100 mph is zooming right past us! We are soo focused on what we have to get done that we don't relize that we are being left in Time's dust! Just yesterday it seems I said goodbye to my best friend as he left for his LDS Mission in Rome, Italy! Well that sounds about right except for I have blinked my eyes a few thousand times and suddenly he will be hopping on a plan later tonight on his way back home after 2 years! Suddenly my mind has been sent into a whirlpool of confusion as to where the time has gone! I have not made enough progress to count for 2 years of time! Where was I on the highway of life while the Ferrari of time was whipping past me?! Asleep in the back of my pontiac? It seems like all too often in life we have moments like these where we stop, look back and go "What the crap happened?!" Suddenly instead of being the person looking to the future you are the one who wishes you could go back! I know I do that all too often in my life! There are soo many times I remember thinking ahead about all of the things I want to do and be! Then after a period of time I look back and regret not living more in the moment! Wishing I had the opportunity to change decisions I had made and things I had said to people! Sadly some of the things I regret are those that I couldn't really change... things that I really had no power over and yet I am still sitting here wishing that instead of dreaming about tomorrow that I was living in today! Thankfully though the one mistake I made 2 years ago hasn't affected me in the present! I have trully been given a second chance thanks to that same best friend coming home! He is the reason I have been able to realize this and hopefully he will continue to be my reason for live in every moment that God has granted me in my life!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8036382080348737866.post-71495245261529904662009-11-17T10:47:00.001-08:002009-11-17T10:48:32.199-08:00ApologyI apologize for cursing health care workers and such in my swine flu post! Turns out I had Bronchitis! Even though I still think it's weird I got sick the same day that I got the mist I will take back what I said because it was in fact not swine flu!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1