Most Exciting Summer Ever...? Part 2!

A problem? What problem? Was I ok? Was I dying? All of these questions and more screamed through my head as we made our way back to the doctor's office. We got there and the doctor told me that my white blood count was WAY high, like 3 times normal high! They tested my heart rate which was still high even on my medication and took another x-ray. What I saw on the x-ray scared me. The doctor showed my that my right lung was 2/3 of the way shadowed indicating either fluid or inflammation which was soo bad that it was actually shifting my heart! She flat out told me that if I were any less healthy or older with my lungs and heart this bad I should and would be either dead or close to it! She said I had to get to McKay Dee hospital ASAP! So we ran. On the way there I started hurting badly. Which scared me even more! We get to the emergency room and wait. And wait. Aaaand Wait!!! There were tons of people trying to get in and people coming in after me were being processed first! Finally my mom did her thing and made the nurse realize just how bad this was! The nurse then started running around and got me processed and actually got me into the ER before all of those other processed patients. That made me realize okay this is BAD. I was in the ER by I think 6 and given an iv shortly after. (Luckily the nurse was amazing and I was in soo much pain I didn't feel it!) I was given a CT scan and told to wait for the doctor. During this time the pain in my abdomen shifted to my back and became unbearable! All I could do was cry and try not to scream when these horrible back spasms would hit with every slight movement. Finally the nurse gave me a pain med. but by this time it barely made a dent. Then I met Dr. Varela. He had reviewed my CT scan and said that I had developed a rare abscess... actually I had developed 3 RARE abscesses. Lucky me. This resulted in massive inflammation which was why my lung was soo clouded. I would have to either have major surgery to clean out the pockets and risk major organ damage or have drainage tubes placed. We agreed to have the drains because I couldn't risk organ damage. So he said we will do it in the morning until then you will be put in a room and given pain meds. to help with the spasms which were a result of the infection. I was told I couldn't have any food or drink after midnight. So they got me in my room and I looked at the clock 11:55 pm. I had not had anything to drink since 2pm and I was soo dried out I felt like a mummy. My nurse, Bless Her Heart, RAN out of the room and sprinted back with a cup of water which I greedily slurped until the clock hit 12 and she apologized and took my water away. :( I couldn't be mad at her of course because, while other nurses would have just told me it was too late, she rushed to get me a drink before my deadline hit. A simple thing that I really appreciated more than anything! The next morning I was prepared for my procedure. All I cared about was whether or not I could be either knocked out or HEAVILY medicated for the process. I hate being poked! They said to talk to the Radiologist and he would help me out. Once I got down there however I was told I had to be awake through the process but I would be given a "chill out" med. "I wouldn't be aware of anything!" Famous last words dude! Let me explain this drain process. I had an abscess below my liver, one huge one right where my appendix used to be and one located near my ovaries. (I think) That translates to: One drain into my side below my ribs, one drain into the side of my stomach and finally one drain right smack into my buttcheek. Woo! Let me simply state this experience was AWFUL!! I felt slightly out of my body, I was bawling and I was being stabbed with straws!! Once again I was blessed with a great person by my side! One of the radiologist's was helping with the procedure but throughout the entire thing kept patting my leg or holding my knee telling me that I would be alright and just reassuring me that he was there! I love you good sir! Thank you! Finally the horrible deed was done and I was carefully removing from the CT scan and placed gingerly on my bed and taken back to my room where I promptly cried myself into a sleep. I will admit I slept a lot during this stay simply because I was heavily medicated which I was not opposed to because I had tubes sticking out of my right side and my left buttock. Meds. were good... GREAT even. I later found out from Dr. Varela that they had drained over 1 litre of infection just from the appendix area drain! (That's a lot)He said that the infection in the abscesses was actually a direct result from my appendectomy! He said my appendix had either burst, been punctured or they simply didn't clean me out well enough during surgery which resulted in this gunk flooding my body with bacteria. Thanks BCH! I would be monitored and my drains would be emptied and checked until they felt confident I could return home. I still couldn't eat but unlike Brigham Hospital they didn't force me to drink Boost or Ensure, instead I got Carnation! YUM! During this stay I was still on heart medication because my heart rate was still erratic. I was also having hot flashes which resulted in my sweating and feeling like a melting popsicle which also caused my bedding to be changed more than the nurses wanted to do it I am sure! One week later I was given the news I wanted! I could go home but it came with bad news. I would still have my drains and I would be receiving a picc line. I had no idea what that was... then I found out and I didn't want to know anymore. Basically a picc line is a mobile long term iv. I would be having a line inserted into my arm above the elbow and it would snake through my vein and finally end in my heart. .....Yay? So I go down to Radiology and meet the guy inserting my picc. He assured me it would be pretty much painless. I didn't care I started to cry openly not caring that I am a grown woman and that the process really didn't hurt! While he was working on my picc guess who came to visit!! My awesome radiologist from my drain placement! He came and said hi and told me he was sorry I only saw him when thing were being inserted into my body! I gave a laugh/sob and he left with a reassuring pat on the leg. My ordeal was over and as a peace offering the radiologist presented me with an ice cold can of lemonade, which I gratefully drank while we listened to country music waiting for my nurse to pick me up. One week from entering the ER I was going home! Now let me tell you having drains in your butt and side SUCKS!! It hurts, it is very uncomfortable and it makes wearing pants and sleeping IMPOSSIBLE!! I was receiving iv meds. daily via my mom (love you) and just trying to eat and improve. So I slugged through the next week and then went back to Dr. Varela praying the drains would be gone! I get there and he gives me crushing news that he will probably MAYBE only remove one drain but I need a CT scan to see if even that would work. I began crying immediately. You wouldn't blame me at this point. I was exhausted mentally and physically, I was sore all the time and I just wanted these things out of my body! So I went through the next 3 hours waiting for my CT scan being forced to drink this liquid, that I can only describe as liquified berry Tums, trying not to throw up or start sobbing. I received my scan and returned to Dr. Varela to find out the news. He came in and started showing me my CT (seeing your insides while getting a guided tour from the Dr. is gross... just saying.) and surprisingly Dr. Varela kept saying Wow... wow. He turned to me and said this looks amazing!! He then told me that my results were so impressive that he would remove 2 drains that day!! *Angel Chorus* My most painful drains were going away! My butt drain and my top side drain! I was overjoyed UNTIL Dr. Varela stood up walked over and started getting ready! I went hold up now! What?! He explained that basically you just yank them out! Dr. Varela say WHAT?! OH and just be prepared there is a part at the end called a pig tail and if it doesn't release and uncurl all the way it may hurt! I freak out and start babbling about anti- freak out pills and he says "We can hit you on the head with something if you want." I say YESYESYESYES!! He smiles and says "Nah, you will be fine!" (Famous last words) So he approaches my bottom and clips my stitches... I started freaking... he says "Okay, 1, 2..." OH *$&%! This THING rips through my bottom like a bullet! I immediately stop breathing and shaking! If any doctor ever says hey you need a drain.... RUN!! So I am freaking out! My grandma is trying to make me calm down and not pass out while the nurse grabbed me some juice and Dear Dr. Varela is looking at me with an expression mixed with concern and amusement at my over dramatic reaction. He tells me he will step out for a minute and I can decide whether or not to "Go for 2!" I calm down and decide I do NOT want to wait knowing what I am in for! So he comes back and they remove my side drain which was SLIGHTLY less painful but I once again cease breathing because it just plain SUCKS! So Dr. Varela pats my knee says see you next week and makes his exit! Meanwhile all I can think of is how much I hate that man! I go home and slump on the couch. Unsure if I ever want to see his face again! I go through the next week a bit better. I can eat, less pain and sleep FINALLY! I return to Dr. Varela dreading my final drain. He yanks it, I say every curse word I know in my head and I recover much quicker this time. He decides to keep the picc. line for another week or so to give me longer on meds. so that hopefully I can kick any residual infection. I went in for my final appointment on July 5th and they took my picc. line out. Which I was soo happy about because it hurt intensely over the last week which I came to find out was because my stitches had ripped out of my skin! Yay. Let me describe it for you, imagine someone pulling a wet spaghetti noodle out of your arm! You're Welcome. Dr. Varela bent my arm which had been kept straight for over 3 weeks! I immediately felt amazing! I was free!! I was a battered and scarred version of my prior self but still I was finally untethered!! FREE! Dr. Varela wishing me luck and I told him that I hoped to never see him again in the best way and he released me! So, Here I am! I am getting better daily. I am off of all medication and I am eating. Yeah I still have crappy days but all in all I am improving. My new adventure will be figuring out how to pay the $50,000+ in medical bills! Wish me luck.... I need it!

Most Exciting Summer Ever...?

I am pretty healthy. I always have been. My biggest claim to fame growing up was that I had never been in the hospital, had surgery or broken bones. Ha...Ha...Ha. Well at least that last one is still true! I am going to do this story in 2 separate posts because honestly the story is just that long! So let me begin back on May 29th. I woke up on May 29th feeling pretty normal except for some slight stiffness in my abdomen. I ignored this and went to work attributing it to my recent regiment of crunches and various other stomach area exercises. By that night I was incredibly sore and curled up into a ball on my bed and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up for work barely able to move without crying in pain. I HAD TO WORK! I need the money so I forced myself up and got ready and suddenly a wave of nausea hit me. I tried to sit down hoping it would pass before I had to leave. It did... After I puked my guts out praying to the porcelain god asking him why he was punishing me! After that I felt great! I convinced my mom it was a fluke and that I could force myself through work. My sister started driving us to work and about halfway there everything came back. I started hurting, sweating and just feeling like the world was turning lopsided. I forced myself through about an hour of cleaning then everything started going a little gray around the edges. I made my way to the car and slumped in the backseat. My sister came out a bit later started the car and explained that our boss had arrived saw me in the car and said take her home. I felt awful but he understood I needed to go. By that night I was in such intense pain that any slight movement resulted in me gasping in pain. By the next morning my mom knew this was serious. So she somehow managed to get me in the car and to the doctor. He got in, asked me what's up and then poked me in the belly... to which I responded by almost passing out. He got all serious and said we needed to get next door to the hospital like now. I needed an appendectomy and I needed one now! So here is where things get blurry. I am not sure if it was because of pain or stress or both. I don't remember driving to the hospital. I remember standing at the emergency entrance waiting for mom to park. Then I remember laying in a gown in a hospital bed. Next I remember my home teachers giving me a blessing. I remember seeing my grandparents and seeing an iv in my arm not knowing how either had got there. Then they wheeled me out and into a room where some people in white half pulled and half lifted me onto a table. Then Nothing. Next thing I know a man was standing near me saying "McKell. McKell. You need to breathe. There were some complications. Yours lungs collapsed so I need you to try and focus on breathing deep." I focused for a couple gasps and then faded again. The next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital room feeling like I had been hit by a bus! It was explained to me that my appendix had not burst although it would have within hours and that during/after the surgery my lungs had collapsed and my heart rate had become erratic. They also told me that my appendix was pretty bad. It was practically dead and horribly infected. They described it as roadkill. They said I would be receiving a spirometer and would have to work on my lungs constantly to prevent pneumonia. The next few days were a blur I was medicated often and just feeling like crap. All I kept thinking was "Why can't I go home? They said most people go home next day!" Then everything went haywire. I had to receive a second iv because I was dehydrated and needed more fluid I freaked because I hate needles! Next I was transferred to the ICU step down unit because my heart rate was dangerously high and wouldn't go down. I was in the ICU for a couple days being constantly monitored and medicated until they felt my heart rate could be controlled, I was also put on this horrible breathing machine to improve my lungs. I hated it! It was a huge mask covering my face that made me look and sound like Darth Vader and Batman's Bane had a love child! During this time the ICU nurse decided a second iv was unnecessary and pulled it. HOURS later my original iv blew and had to be removed. I was told I would have to receive a 3rd iv. I bawled and begged them not to until they finally called my doctor and after promising to basically sell my soul he agreed to not put in a new iv! *sigh* Finally I was admitted back to a room. Throughout this stay I was x-rayed every day and they told me that I had pneumonia and my lungs were clouded. So every day they were tracking my lungs to see any improvement. I continued with the stupid breathing machine and did as they told me. The one dark spot everyone had with me was I couldn't eat but I pacified them by drinking those disgusting Boost and Ensure drinks and forcing a spoonful of yogurt into my mouth. During one of my last few days of containment I started feeling extremely weird... like a caged animal! I started hallucinating seeing these awful creatures all around me. From a screaming woman banging on my window to these gremlins things climbing out of my garbage can! I didn't say anything to anyone out of fear I was going completely insane! It lasted for hours! After finally bursting into tears because of these creatures my family got me help. Come to find out what I was experiencing was common among long hospital visits. They assured me I wasn't crazy and that I was just experiencing a anxiety attack on steroids! So I was given yet another medication... this one to calm my anxiety and the creatures and the feelings of capture went away! Finally after almost a week of hospital fun I was allowed one bright spot. A shower! Only downside I had to BE showered. Nothing more humiliating than having to have someone else wash you. But at least it was one of my favorite nurses and she made me feel less awkward about my situation. Finally on June 8th I was allowed to leave!! I was told to take it easy, work on my spirometer (I could only blow a 750 which is BAD) and come back Monday for lab work. YAY! I went home and still couldn't eat and just didn't feel very great. Monday my family had tickets to see a movie so we went to the hospital and did my blood work then went to the movie. The movie was 3/4 of the way through when my grandma appeared in the theater and said "The hospital called there was a problem with the labs she needs to see a doctor now!"...... To Be Continued...

Smoke Signals

Life Sucks. That's all there really is to it. At my age I should be doing at least one if not all of the following: 1. Working 2. Going to school 3. Dating 4. Not living with mom 5. Socializing/Living. I'm not doing anything cause I am stuck in this crappy situation that I can't seem to get to improve!! Plus to add to the awesomeness that is my life my mom found out today that she tested positive for lupus!! Seriously... Did that really have to happen. I swear I honestly feel like at this point God has completely forgotten about me... Like he turned the trial switch up on my life then went to make a sandwich and forgot me! I need help!! I am hoarse from calling for help! I am drowning!

Falling Off A Mountain

Ever had a moment when you feel like you are on top of the world and nobody cane take you down? I have! I love it! Ever have that moment where someone takes that prior moment and rips the carpet out from under you? Yeah I had that too! So, I got a job back in September! Yay! It was at Quiznos I made sandwiches! I loved my job! I loved my coworkers! I loved making money and making plans for school and moving out finally!! Then... Well... Then it all hit a wall. Shortly after New Years I was informed that I would no longer have a job. Quiznos was closing. Basically I made this face O.O and then this face :( then finally this face >,.< yeah not a happy time for me. Suddenly my dreams of going to school and moving out flew out the window and over the flipping rainbow! So here I am... In a small town that I spent 3 years begging for a job in... Once again begging for a job. Awesome. *sigh* At least I have gas money for now. I was just crushed to have found something that I loved and could claim as mine so quickly ripped from my hands! That feeling sucks! I loved my life finally! I tried to stay positive while working for the last few days with them saying "just say the word and we will give you a great reference for a job interview!" I was happy they wanted to help and grateful they are soo willing to say nice things about me, but, in reality I don't care. I don't want a reference. I don't want someone to say nice things about me to whoever I am interviewing with. I want that one thing that made me feel awesome! I want that place that I felt excited to go to! I want the reason to wake up and get dressed! I just want my job back! :(

Backlash

DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE REAL ME!! There is probably a damn good reason why I live my life the way I do! How DARE you tell people (like my mom) that my sister and I are crazy for not going out more often or for not meeting new people! If this is someone who does "know me personally" well then you better look deeper! Yeah we might not go out much... Well here's an idea! Maybe we only feel secure in our own home! Okay, so we don't have a lot of friends our age! Well maybe they are the only ones that will stick by us when they see our dark secrets! Oh, we don't ever go out and act our age and do fun stuff? How would you feel if everytime you go out and try something new or meet new people you have to fight every demon you have? Every step ahead you have to struggle and fight with that little voice in your head that tells you that you are a screw up because that is all you have ever been told? How would you cope if everytime someone new talks to you your mind builds a wall soo thick you can't even think straight because you are soo petrified of being decieved, hurt or built up just for the joy of that person pushing you and watching you fall?! THAT'S what it's like to be me! If you were to hear or read this and be surprised then you have NO RIGHT to draw any conclusions about the way I live MY LIFE!!

Ultimatum

What would you do if you found out that it was someone's last day to live?
A complete stranger. Someone you have never seen before.
Would you do everything in your power to save them. To break the path they are on and to give their family back their child/siblingz etc. they would have lost. All the while not caring what reprocussions such an act would bring for you and for this person whose life was supposed to end.
Or
Would you have the faith and the courage to stand there and realize that everything in life has it's purpose. That even though someone's child lost their life soo soon that maybe, just maybe, it may have been needed in some way.
This is an extremely tough question I have been pondering.
On the one hand you have someone whose life is going to be cut short suddenly and often times tragically. Yes, the family would be spared of their pain of losing someone soo dear and have more time with their loved one.... but what is the cost?
On the other hand you, given this knowledge, would knowingly let this person die. But you would hold on and then see the lingering effect this person had. Sometimes on more lives after death than during life. This person's loss of life could be the key to saving many more.
So this is where your choice comes in...
Save Them or Let Them Go?

Vow

The only way you will ever be truly happy when you think of me will be the day you find me lying in a ditch having finally given up trying to keep my footing in life. I will have been broken hearted and alone, taking my last forced breath. I will have given you what you have always wanted from me... My broken spirit. I promise you, if it takes everything that I have in me, everything that I am.... you will NEVER be happy when your mind leads you to me!