Swiss Cheese

Ever have those times when you think about days gone by and can't seem to remember certain events?? Well I certainly do... every day! The last week I have been reflecting on my past and have come to realize I honestly can't remember alot of things! It seems like from age 16 back my memory is looking mmore and more like swiss cheese! Pretty much any point in time where I was with my dad it's either foggy or just not there! It bothers me alot not being able to remember what went on! I have a handfull of memories accounted for. Christmas one year looking at the tree, a dark night when I was probably 10 hiding under a couch calling my mom, the incident with the banister that I would rather not explain, and a couple other obscure memories. So many times I have wondered "What I am missing?" What is soo horrible in these forgotten times that my brain is shielding me from? Part of me wants to unlock these secrets just so that I can finally understand why I have come to block them but part of me is scared to death that I would not want to know! Is it worth the price that I would emotionally have to pay to see what happened? I thought when I turned 18 I could turn my back on my father and just walk away and never have to be hurt by him again! Little did I know then that he would continue to rip me apart inside to this day! I was reminded the other day of a horrible night I had to spend with my father about a year ago. I had gone shopping with my Grandma that day and kept taking my phone out of my pocket seeing my dad's number! I had gone almost a year without seeing him and I really didn't want to finish that streak now! After my grandma talked to me for a bit she convinced me to at least answer the phone...so I did. He wanted to go to dinner that night and even though I really hated the thought I humored my grandma's idea that maybe he wanted to reconcile with me. I went to dinner. For an hour I sat at the small table staring at a barely touched sandwich while my father told me all that was wrong with me! He told me that he would have beaten the sh*t out of me if he could have the day that I turned down my art scholarship! Also how if I were living under his roof being a lazy jobless sack of sh*t he wouldn't hesitate to throw me out into the street! How I was doing what I always had done! Using people and never giving anything in return! I sat there crying taking his abuse as I had done for years! Hating myself for not speaking up and watching through tears as not one person in that room stood up to say anything! Just sitting there eating their food and pretending they couldn't hear or see what was going on right next to them! Did my dad know how I had turned down the art scholarship to stay at home and help my mom who had just had her husband walk out? No! Did he know I didn't have a job because I was raising my baby brother while my mom was working trying to support her children by herself? No! Did he know at that point I already felt so low about myself that for over a year I had considered dying as opposed to feeling like a burden and a failure? No! Did he care? No he didn't! All he cared about at that point was once again making sure that he could control me! I hated myself more that day then I ever did in my life! I hated that even at 19-20 years old I still couldn't stand up to him! I hated that when I was younger being hauled into court and counseling sessions that I couldn't make them believe what I was seeing, hearing and feeling! I hate that even when I try to rid myself from him he is still there somehow making sure I remember that control! I think that is why these forgotten memories bother me soo much! Something happened in those memories that my mind and my father want me to forget! But I don't want to! I want to know what is in there because even if it does hurt me to remember I want to know! That is the one thing that I don't want my father to have control over! My memories!