Hello Blog!! I missed you!! I know you are not an actual person therefore can not have feelings but how are you? I feel as if I have not spoken to you in forever!! Which is partially true!! There are soo many times in the last week I thought to myself "I should put that on my blog!!" But have sadly not had the opportunity to do so! RECAP TIME!! I had a birthday!!! Yes blog it is true!! You are looking at a bonafide 22 year old!! I know I made that sound way cooler than it actually is but I cannot help myself! I had my birthday last November and it passed rather quietly! My mom and sister took me on a shopping adventure and we got to hang out all day! Then we went and saw Box Elder High School's performance of Phantom of the Opera! It was EPIC!! Since then everything has been as it usually is... Slow moving! I still have no job and no social life but I am surviving! Oooo! Oooo! It's almost Christmas!!! Ah-aaaah!! I love Christmas! I think it is my favorite time of the year! The smell of candy, wrapping paper, new toys and smelly people pushing past you in Walmart to grab a can of cranberry sauce!! Yep Christmas is amazing!! Nothing better if you ask me!
BLOG!! I made a new friend! I almost forgot to tell you!! Well okay I should start with talking about my first new friend Dillan!! He is Epic! I told him so! Anyways Mandi became random facebook friends with him and has been for a couple years! Anyways we met him for the first time on Halloween which btw, was Awesome!! My costume was genius! So we met him for the first time and he was amazing!! Like the awesome brother we wish we had! He is soo funny and totally fits us perfectly! So now speed up to like 4 days ago! Facebook said Dillan was online so I opened up a chat with him! Well it ended up being his roommate Jonathon, who stole Dillan's computer! I ended up chatting with him all night! He is alot like Dillan in the way that they are both soo easy and fun to talk to! So we have been chatting constantly and it is awesome!! I hope I get to meet him cause he and Dillan are like my best friends!!
Well I am done blabbing for now! Hope you like your new makeover!
Peace this blogger's OUT!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Epidemic
Can I just say that I am very upset with how cruel people can be!! It amazes me sometimes the insane amounts of inhumanity that people in this world can dish out towards others! It is nuts! I have stopped watching the news lately because that is all they seem to talk about! People treating people worse than abused animals!!
Just yesterday they were talking about military protests at soldier's funerals and I was shocked at how these people can go to a young man's funeral and tell his family that their child will burn in hell for protecting the country that gives them their rights!! I don't care what your feelings are about war! I hate it as much as the next person and wish it would end BUT you have NO RIGHT to go to the mourning site of a family and disrespect them and the child that they had to put in the ground! I don't care if you do it 100 yard away, next to the grave or even in the next state! You have NO RIGHT to say that a young man DESERVED to die!
Another debate is about Gay Right's and the LDS church! Yes Elder Packer said the LDS religion defines marriage as Man/Woman and yes he said it isn't right to legalize immoral unions and acts! He nor any other member of the presidency have EVER said we do not accept these people as children of God! The Gay and Lesbian community protest constantly making it sound as if we as members think them to be a disease of the earth to wipe out and take rights from! We have never denied them the right to be free to love whomever they choose but they have chosen to perform lewd acts on sacred ground and protest what we hold sacred! The church has never once responded in a rude manner towards this community and yet they constantly seek out opportunities to make "examples" of the mormons! It is insane!
Lastly and possibly the most sad is of how many young children I have seen murdered or attempted to have their young lives shorten by their parents! Young children beaten by their mother, father, step-parents and others simply because they were "annoyed" with the child's behavior! Also those parent's who have attempted and a few times suceeded to take not only their lives but their children's also! How have we sunk soo low in our time that when we turn to suicide we have to take our children to either not be alone or "protect" them?! Protection is exactly what these poor children are being denied! When will we stop the violence?
Cancer, HIV, Aids, Drugs, Alcohol! None of these compare anymore! Violence is the worst disease we have infecting our country! Until we realize this and make sufficient attempts to find and administer a "cure" we are doomed to continue infecting the populous and cutting short Lives that could have been happy, loving and fulfilled!
Just yesterday they were talking about military protests at soldier's funerals and I was shocked at how these people can go to a young man's funeral and tell his family that their child will burn in hell for protecting the country that gives them their rights!! I don't care what your feelings are about war! I hate it as much as the next person and wish it would end BUT you have NO RIGHT to go to the mourning site of a family and disrespect them and the child that they had to put in the ground! I don't care if you do it 100 yard away, next to the grave or even in the next state! You have NO RIGHT to say that a young man DESERVED to die!
Another debate is about Gay Right's and the LDS church! Yes Elder Packer said the LDS religion defines marriage as Man/Woman and yes he said it isn't right to legalize immoral unions and acts! He nor any other member of the presidency have EVER said we do not accept these people as children of God! The Gay and Lesbian community protest constantly making it sound as if we as members think them to be a disease of the earth to wipe out and take rights from! We have never denied them the right to be free to love whomever they choose but they have chosen to perform lewd acts on sacred ground and protest what we hold sacred! The church has never once responded in a rude manner towards this community and yet they constantly seek out opportunities to make "examples" of the mormons! It is insane!
Lastly and possibly the most sad is of how many young children I have seen murdered or attempted to have their young lives shorten by their parents! Young children beaten by their mother, father, step-parents and others simply because they were "annoyed" with the child's behavior! Also those parent's who have attempted and a few times suceeded to take not only their lives but their children's also! How have we sunk soo low in our time that when we turn to suicide we have to take our children to either not be alone or "protect" them?! Protection is exactly what these poor children are being denied! When will we stop the violence?
Cancer, HIV, Aids, Drugs, Alcohol! None of these compare anymore! Violence is the worst disease we have infecting our country! Until we realize this and make sufficient attempts to find and administer a "cure" we are doomed to continue infecting the populous and cutting short Lives that could have been happy, loving and fulfilled!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Limbo
So basically just a little update on what has happened since the last time I posted! Life is pretty much the same except my friendship with Cali is falling apart! I will explain it more in the near future but let's just say she has changed alot and not for the better in my opinion! I have taken to deleting her husband Jake from my friends on facebook because I don't need his poison in my life! I would rather not be associated with him! *sigh* I feel like I have a theme song for my life at the moment and that song is "Another one bites the dust" I swear I can't have friends or something! I am either extremely unlucky with friends or there is something about me that keeps me from being able to have them because just since May I have lost 3 of my dearest friends!! That can't be normal! *sigh* I don't really blame any of them for not wanting to be my friends.... I am a pitiful excuse for a person. I mean look at me! I am almost 22 years old, I have no job, I can't go to school cause I have no money, I still live with my mom and I hardly ever get to go anywhere and do anything with people my age! I am just a waste of useful air! I can't seem to get anything to change either!! I can't get a job no matter where I apply and I would go on a mission but my church records are stuck in limbo and can't seem to find their way to where I need them and besides I have never been "spiritual" enough to be accepted as a missionary anyway! Plus everyone I talk to says I can't go unless I can pay for it! So here I am still stuck and useless...
Yeah I really can't blame them for ditching me at this point.
Yeah I really can't blame them for ditching me at this point.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
MEN!! Can't live with them but without them life would probably suck!
Ticked Off!!
That is exactly how I feel at this moment!! So honestly blog I think men are dumb!! I thought Pete was one of the best friends I could have ever asked for but then everything came unraveled like a badly knitted sweater! Everything was great until we found out that he was engaged to his girlfriend whom he had told me he had broken up with probably for good! Not only that but he acted like we were being unjustifiably angry that he hadn't told us that not only was he still dating her but that it was that serious! Plus a couple days before he proposed he sat and told us how he didn't want a girlfriend when he left for the army, was not interested in marriage and pretty much didn't want to deal with women for a while! Then he goes and gets engaged! It's not even that but thinking back over the last couple months alot of things didn't add up with him! There were stories that we would hear a couple times that kept changing everytime we heard them! Plus there were the times he would ditch saying he had family stuff only to find out later that he had been with his girlfriend! He lied to my sister about camping with his family too! He didn't even go with his family it was his girlfriend's!! Looking back I really don't know what to actually believe! It seems like everything he ever told us was either a complete fabrication, twisted a little or a beat around a bush! I feel quite stupid for letting 2 guys I truly trusted jerk me around!! Do I have a sign on my forehead saying "Hey guys! She is a complete bonehead! Take advangtage of her trusting nature!" I don't know how I keep getting mixed up with these guys! The sad part is just over this summer I lost my only boyfriend and one of my best friends! All because they can't be straight with me! HOW HARD IS THAT?!?!
That is exactly how I feel at this moment!! So honestly blog I think men are dumb!! I thought Pete was one of the best friends I could have ever asked for but then everything came unraveled like a badly knitted sweater! Everything was great until we found out that he was engaged to his girlfriend whom he had told me he had broken up with probably for good! Not only that but he acted like we were being unjustifiably angry that he hadn't told us that not only was he still dating her but that it was that serious! Plus a couple days before he proposed he sat and told us how he didn't want a girlfriend when he left for the army, was not interested in marriage and pretty much didn't want to deal with women for a while! Then he goes and gets engaged! It's not even that but thinking back over the last couple months alot of things didn't add up with him! There were stories that we would hear a couple times that kept changing everytime we heard them! Plus there were the times he would ditch saying he had family stuff only to find out later that he had been with his girlfriend! He lied to my sister about camping with his family too! He didn't even go with his family it was his girlfriend's!! Looking back I really don't know what to actually believe! It seems like everything he ever told us was either a complete fabrication, twisted a little or a beat around a bush! I feel quite stupid for letting 2 guys I truly trusted jerk me around!! Do I have a sign on my forehead saying "Hey guys! She is a complete bonehead! Take advangtage of her trusting nature!" I don't know how I keep getting mixed up with these guys! The sad part is just over this summer I lost my only boyfriend and one of my best friends! All because they can't be straight with me! HOW HARD IS THAT?!?!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Roll! Roll! Roll In Zee Grass!! Then EAT IT YOSHI!!
Soo... I figured that since the last post was a downer I will also put up a more light hearted post! Yesterday I was having a downer day which brought me to tears a few times! When I logged onto Facebook I posted the following as my status: "Don't always assume that someone is ok because most likely they aren't... Maybe they just don't want you to see them fall apart." Because honestly that's how I felt! My family (except Mandi) seems to look at me and see a normal me even though inside I feel like a rabid wolverine was let loose to rip me apart! I look fine but I feel... I dunno. Broken. My family doesn't realize this. They think I have moved on from my "ordeal" and am now happy as a clam. I am not the type of person that will just break down and let the world see my raw emotions. I just can't. I feel like a new species that is being studied to see what's different from the norm. Mostly this comes from my "lovely" childhood which was wracked with fear of letting my true self show and stupid idiot Therapists who didn't want it to be shown! I am just an not comfortable showing myself unless I am trully comfortable with a certain person. Anyways I am rambling off topic! So I posted my status and who rushes to my rescue other that my knight in shining armor! Pete!! Yep he rocks! So as soon as he sees that and practically smells the deep need for a friend he swoops down and asks if I need his assistance! Isn't he awesome!! So I told him I was just feeling lonely and wanted someone to hang out and what does he say? I'll be over in a minute! Yesiree he is the best! He also gave me a good life by stating that he just got showered and would be here as soon as he found some pants! hahahahaha! Yep... but that is a different story which I do not want to jump into right now! :)
So fast forward a few minutes and he is here! Ta-Da! It was soo much fun because he was here from like 9 p.m. til no joke 4 a.m.!! It was the best night ever! Mandi, Pete and I just laid on a blanket in the yard forever! Kourtney was there too but sadly she left at like 12 or 1 ish. Anyways we basically just were talking, goofing and being random when suddenly at like 3 a.m. Pete and Mandi get in this HUGE wrestling match! They were trying to make each other eat grass.... gross but highly entertaining to watch! I watched them basically pretzel up with each other neither being able to move for like severals minutes because they were soo tangled! They went at it for almost an hour until it ended in a prolonged time out seeing as neither would give in to defeat! Sadly after it ended Pete left.... I cried. No not really but I was sad to see him go! I love having him around because he just makes life happy! Especially lately when I need someone to keep my mind off sad thoughts and on the happy wackyness of life! And no I am not just saying this because I know you will be reading this Peter!! I mean it! It was one of the funnest nights ever! It is up there with the Jewish Wedding Party hahaha! I wish I would have joined in the ruckus, Mandi was saying today "why didn't you jump into the wrestling fun?!" But I am a gutless, spineless, fearful little worm who is afraid of talking to a cute pizza delivery boy let alone wrestling with an attractive guy friend! Yes Pete I did just say that! Make fun of me later! Plus obviously I am weird because I cannot say the word Sexy in a normal voice. I practiced for a while today but I still think it sounds off... I am odd I know! Anyways that was my awesome night with AWESOME Peter and AWESOME Mandi!
So fast forward a few minutes and he is here! Ta-Da! It was soo much fun because he was here from like 9 p.m. til no joke 4 a.m.!! It was the best night ever! Mandi, Pete and I just laid on a blanket in the yard forever! Kourtney was there too but sadly she left at like 12 or 1 ish. Anyways we basically just were talking, goofing and being random when suddenly at like 3 a.m. Pete and Mandi get in this HUGE wrestling match! They were trying to make each other eat grass.... gross but highly entertaining to watch! I watched them basically pretzel up with each other neither being able to move for like severals minutes because they were soo tangled! They went at it for almost an hour until it ended in a prolonged time out seeing as neither would give in to defeat! Sadly after it ended Pete left.... I cried. No not really but I was sad to see him go! I love having him around because he just makes life happy! Especially lately when I need someone to keep my mind off sad thoughts and on the happy wackyness of life! And no I am not just saying this because I know you will be reading this Peter!! I mean it! It was one of the funnest nights ever! It is up there with the Jewish Wedding Party hahaha! I wish I would have joined in the ruckus, Mandi was saying today "why didn't you jump into the wrestling fun?!" But I am a gutless, spineless, fearful little worm who is afraid of talking to a cute pizza delivery boy let alone wrestling with an attractive guy friend! Yes Pete I did just say that! Make fun of me later! Plus obviously I am weird because I cannot say the word Sexy in a normal voice. I practiced for a while today but I still think it sounds off... I am odd I know! Anyways that was my awesome night with AWESOME Peter and AWESOME Mandi!
Failure to Re-Launch
Blog! Hi there!
I have been wanting to blog for the past 2 weeks now but whenever I get on the computer I only have time for the basics and then have to get off! But I am here now and feel like rambling for a little while! So... Things have been pretty rocky for me this last week. I had a bad time a while back and decided to write Eric and ask him what was happening with us? Then preceeded to tell him that I felt I was not treated fairly by him doing that! As I told you before I had not heard from him in over a month! Well he wrote back and said some things that honestly really really hurt. It's not that I am completely heartbroken over the fact that he basically told me to kiss off it hurts that I wasted 2-3 years on a guy who obviously didn't care that much for me, it's that what he said struck at what he knows is one of my biggest insecurities! Plus he used the same crap that my family has pulled on me for years saying that "negativty breeds negativity. negative energy asks why positive energy asks why not." I have heard that from my family all the time! They always tell me I am a negative person when I am having one down day and that I am the reason my life sucks! So for him to hurl that at me after I had told him how much it hurts to hear that from people stung bad! I hate it when you confide your deepest fears and weaknesses to people and they end up using them against you! The only thing that hit a nerve with me was that he said "you attach all of your emotions to one thing and when that one thing fails your devestated." I was really confused when I read his statement because isn't that the point of a relationship? You invest your emotins into that one person striving for it to succeed! So why wouldn't I have attached a great deal of myself to him? I have been looking back at myself and feel soo extremely stupid for waiting by the door, listening for the mailman, craving his letters! I was waiting on a guy who obviously never exsisted or cared about me as deeply as he let on in his letters. I hurt but at the same time I am almost happy... is that weird? I guess for soo long I placed my feelings for him wherever I was told! My family was constantly saying "Stay with him no matter what! He is a great guy and a missionary!" When there were times that I honestly would question whether we were as compatable as everyone said? As much as it hurts knowing what I know now I guess I should be happy that I am not still floating around in that abyss of silence he shoved me into a couple months ago. The truth hurts but I guess it is better than not knowing what happened. Right?
I have been wanting to blog for the past 2 weeks now but whenever I get on the computer I only have time for the basics and then have to get off! But I am here now and feel like rambling for a little while! So... Things have been pretty rocky for me this last week. I had a bad time a while back and decided to write Eric and ask him what was happening with us? Then preceeded to tell him that I felt I was not treated fairly by him doing that! As I told you before I had not heard from him in over a month! Well he wrote back and said some things that honestly really really hurt. It's not that I am completely heartbroken over the fact that he basically told me to kiss off it hurts that I wasted 2-3 years on a guy who obviously didn't care that much for me, it's that what he said struck at what he knows is one of my biggest insecurities! Plus he used the same crap that my family has pulled on me for years saying that "negativty breeds negativity. negative energy asks why positive energy asks why not." I have heard that from my family all the time! They always tell me I am a negative person when I am having one down day and that I am the reason my life sucks! So for him to hurl that at me after I had told him how much it hurts to hear that from people stung bad! I hate it when you confide your deepest fears and weaknesses to people and they end up using them against you! The only thing that hit a nerve with me was that he said "you attach all of your emotions to one thing and when that one thing fails your devestated." I was really confused when I read his statement because isn't that the point of a relationship? You invest your emotins into that one person striving for it to succeed! So why wouldn't I have attached a great deal of myself to him? I have been looking back at myself and feel soo extremely stupid for waiting by the door, listening for the mailman, craving his letters! I was waiting on a guy who obviously never exsisted or cared about me as deeply as he let on in his letters. I hurt but at the same time I am almost happy... is that weird? I guess for soo long I placed my feelings for him wherever I was told! My family was constantly saying "Stay with him no matter what! He is a great guy and a missionary!" When there were times that I honestly would question whether we were as compatable as everyone said? As much as it hurts knowing what I know now I guess I should be happy that I am not still floating around in that abyss of silence he shoved me into a couple months ago. The truth hurts but I guess it is better than not knowing what happened. Right?
Saturday, June 19, 2010
God's Apology
BLOG!!!
I have had the best 30 hours ever!! So you want to know what happened? Huh...Huh?!?! I knew you did!! So I have been in a major funk lately, yes? You remember this discussion, correct? Good! I knew you were a smart little blog! So to shock myself out of my funk we decided to have a pizza party and invite Pete over to hang out with myself, Mandi and Kourtney! You know eat, talk, play games and well just be random!! It was awesome! I know Pete feels bad cause he kept getting calls and ended up having to leave suddenly but honestly I hope he knows we weren't upset about it at all! Life happens we live, love and die. The End! But anyways I am getting off subject aren't I? So Pete came over and we made homemade pizza and basically ate and talked for an hour or two and then we decided to play a game!! Mom had just bought Sneaks which is a variation of Spoons only instead of hard, dangerous metal spoons we had plastic sneakers! It was hilarious amounts of fun!! I felt bad though because Kourtney ended up scratching Pete a few times during the game! Yes Blog, plastic sneakers are just as dangerous as spoons!! After a forever long but very enjoyable game of Sneaks we went outside and talked for a bit in the dark! It was nice cause it had gotten so hot in the house since we were all crazy jumping monkeys in the kitchen fighting over 2 inch sneakers and outside it was starting to get windy so it was like heaven!! Until I decided to lay down in the grass and dampen my back with the slight water left over from irrigating! Then I was cold!! Mind you Blog this was at midnight! Not long after that Pete got a call and had to rush off! We were curious as to why he had to leave all of a sudden but honestly at that point I was just soo over joyed that he had come and we had soo much fun!! So yes blog for the first night in many nights I went to sleep feeling very happy and not as lonely! I loved it! Then I woke up this morning and found out that Taylan (from tremonton) had become my friend on Facebook! Not only that he was online and started chatting with me!! I was soo happy! Honestly I never thought he would ever remember me let alone talk to me ever again! It was wonderful! He actually just got back from his mission a couple days ago! He went to an island down by Australia.... forgive me blog I forgot the name! It was a French colony though so he now speaks fluent French! He is doing well and is planning on continuing his med. school that was put on hold when he left for his mission! I am soo happy for him! He was my dearest friend and I wish him all the best! I hope that we can continue being friends and not lose touch again! I know when I left Bothwell and pretty much knew I would never see him again a part of me never really recovered from the loss. It's funny though isn't it Blog? I have 2 years of hopes and dreams pretty much thrown in my face, feel worthless, useless you name it for a little bit and here comes Pete to rescue me! Bring me into a happier place and comfort me while I am figuring out how to pick up the pieces of myself and move on and then out of nowhere my dearest childhood friend reconnects with me after all of these years! I don't know about you but it almost feels as if this last 30 hours is God's way of saying "I Love You, McKell. I'm sorry you are hurting."
I have had the best 30 hours ever!! So you want to know what happened? Huh...Huh?!?! I knew you did!! So I have been in a major funk lately, yes? You remember this discussion, correct? Good! I knew you were a smart little blog! So to shock myself out of my funk we decided to have a pizza party and invite Pete over to hang out with myself, Mandi and Kourtney! You know eat, talk, play games and well just be random!! It was awesome! I know Pete feels bad cause he kept getting calls and ended up having to leave suddenly but honestly I hope he knows we weren't upset about it at all! Life happens we live, love and die. The End! But anyways I am getting off subject aren't I? So Pete came over and we made homemade pizza and basically ate and talked for an hour or two and then we decided to play a game!! Mom had just bought Sneaks which is a variation of Spoons only instead of hard, dangerous metal spoons we had plastic sneakers! It was hilarious amounts of fun!! I felt bad though because Kourtney ended up scratching Pete a few times during the game! Yes Blog, plastic sneakers are just as dangerous as spoons!! After a forever long but very enjoyable game of Sneaks we went outside and talked for a bit in the dark! It was nice cause it had gotten so hot in the house since we were all crazy jumping monkeys in the kitchen fighting over 2 inch sneakers and outside it was starting to get windy so it was like heaven!! Until I decided to lay down in the grass and dampen my back with the slight water left over from irrigating! Then I was cold!! Mind you Blog this was at midnight! Not long after that Pete got a call and had to rush off! We were curious as to why he had to leave all of a sudden but honestly at that point I was just soo over joyed that he had come and we had soo much fun!! So yes blog for the first night in many nights I went to sleep feeling very happy and not as lonely! I loved it! Then I woke up this morning and found out that Taylan (from tremonton) had become my friend on Facebook! Not only that he was online and started chatting with me!! I was soo happy! Honestly I never thought he would ever remember me let alone talk to me ever again! It was wonderful! He actually just got back from his mission a couple days ago! He went to an island down by Australia.... forgive me blog I forgot the name! It was a French colony though so he now speaks fluent French! He is doing well and is planning on continuing his med. school that was put on hold when he left for his mission! I am soo happy for him! He was my dearest friend and I wish him all the best! I hope that we can continue being friends and not lose touch again! I know when I left Bothwell and pretty much knew I would never see him again a part of me never really recovered from the loss. It's funny though isn't it Blog? I have 2 years of hopes and dreams pretty much thrown in my face, feel worthless, useless you name it for a little bit and here comes Pete to rescue me! Bring me into a happier place and comfort me while I am figuring out how to pick up the pieces of myself and move on and then out of nowhere my dearest childhood friend reconnects with me after all of these years! I don't know about you but it almost feels as if this last 30 hours is God's way of saying "I Love You, McKell. I'm sorry you are hurting."
Friday, June 11, 2010
Dog-Pile
Hello there blog!
I am sorry I ignored you for a while but the last month has put me in a terribly depressed funk! But just know that I love you and missed you terribly! There were many times that I longed to check in and write about what I am feeling but I could never find the right words to use! It's like I am feeling all of these emotions that I can't really describe. Which stinks because when you don't even know what you are feeling it makes you confused which heaps another feeling on top of the already chaotic dog pile of mixed up emotions! It seems like lately friendships that were soo near and dear to my heart have been dropped, cracked and violently misstreated while friendships that I had thought disappated over the years have been brought back stronger than they ever were! If it wasn't for those friendships resurfacing I don't think I would be in a good of a mind set as I am at this moment! Though it is not mentally or emotionally where I would really want to be it is better than the darker scarier alternative! I have a problem, dearest blog, that I cannot seem to come to a conclusion about! There are people on boths sides of this problem giving me seperate advice but I don't know which to follow! I think I have problems when it comes to problem solving because ever since I was little I would sit and stress out about making a right or wrong choice afraid of it being the outcome that I didn't want! So instead I sit and muddle around until either the answer hurls itself into my face, someone makes a decision for me or I become soo stressed out about making a choice that I blindly hurl a choice out there for better or worse! It is all terribly confusing and stressful! I hate it when I am put in those positions! I also hate it when I invest soo much of myself into something only to be shutdown, kick around, and ignored! It sucks!
Anyway that is what has been keeping me away from you, My Blog! I am sorry it took me soo long to find the words to say but hopefully now that I have found my tongue it will take a small body off of the dog pile so that I can actually function in my daily life!
I am sorry I ignored you for a while but the last month has put me in a terribly depressed funk! But just know that I love you and missed you terribly! There were many times that I longed to check in and write about what I am feeling but I could never find the right words to use! It's like I am feeling all of these emotions that I can't really describe. Which stinks because when you don't even know what you are feeling it makes you confused which heaps another feeling on top of the already chaotic dog pile of mixed up emotions! It seems like lately friendships that were soo near and dear to my heart have been dropped, cracked and violently misstreated while friendships that I had thought disappated over the years have been brought back stronger than they ever were! If it wasn't for those friendships resurfacing I don't think I would be in a good of a mind set as I am at this moment! Though it is not mentally or emotionally where I would really want to be it is better than the darker scarier alternative! I have a problem, dearest blog, that I cannot seem to come to a conclusion about! There are people on boths sides of this problem giving me seperate advice but I don't know which to follow! I think I have problems when it comes to problem solving because ever since I was little I would sit and stress out about making a right or wrong choice afraid of it being the outcome that I didn't want! So instead I sit and muddle around until either the answer hurls itself into my face, someone makes a decision for me or I become soo stressed out about making a choice that I blindly hurl a choice out there for better or worse! It is all terribly confusing and stressful! I hate it when I am put in those positions! I also hate it when I invest soo much of myself into something only to be shutdown, kick around, and ignored! It sucks!
Anyway that is what has been keeping me away from you, My Blog! I am sorry it took me soo long to find the words to say but hopefully now that I have found my tongue it will take a small body off of the dog pile so that I can actually function in my daily life!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
A Night At The Movies
I hate it when you look forward to something forever and then when it finally comes it lets you down! I'm not talking floating to the ground with a parachute! I am talking pushed out of an airplane with 20 pound weights tied to each ankle, strapped to a backpack filled with rocks and the pilot waving saying "see ya sucker!" This is how I feel right at this moment!
It like when you read a book! It's the best book you have ever read in your life! You can't put it down until you finish it and even when you do finish you can't wait to pick it back up and re-read it! Then one day you find out they are making it into a movie! You wait 1-2 years imagining how awesome this movie is going to be and you are already making your budget to buy the movie and soundtrack! The day has come and you walk into the theater feeling more excited than you have ever felt in your life and sit down fidgeting waiting for the lights to dim! 2 hours later.... You trudge out of the theater feeling as though your world has been completely shattered! The actors don't fit the part, the music doesn't set the mood, the story line doesn't follow the book whatsoever and the movie just looks all around cheap! You just spent around $25 on a movie that you hated! All of your hopes from the last 2 years completely dashed! Your dreams ripped right out from underneath your feet! All you can think of is "Why?" Why is the movie soo much worse than the book? Why did the story line change? Why were those actors soo wrong in their roles? Why did they pick that music? Why did I get my hopes up?
This is exactly how I feel as of this moment! I know those of you reading this are wondering "What book and movie is she talking about?" Well it's not about a book or a movie! I have had that happen many times and I get over it and move on! But when this instance happens with an event in your life it is harder to accept and try and figure out how to move on! Because, unlike a movie where the producers, writers and directors and the ones controlling how the movie looks and sounds, there isn't anyone messing with my book! So when something suddenly changes it is hard for me to accept because I don't know what changed, how or when it changed, who did it or why..... I am just the person walking out of a theater of a movie that let me down.
It like when you read a book! It's the best book you have ever read in your life! You can't put it down until you finish it and even when you do finish you can't wait to pick it back up and re-read it! Then one day you find out they are making it into a movie! You wait 1-2 years imagining how awesome this movie is going to be and you are already making your budget to buy the movie and soundtrack! The day has come and you walk into the theater feeling more excited than you have ever felt in your life and sit down fidgeting waiting for the lights to dim! 2 hours later.... You trudge out of the theater feeling as though your world has been completely shattered! The actors don't fit the part, the music doesn't set the mood, the story line doesn't follow the book whatsoever and the movie just looks all around cheap! You just spent around $25 on a movie that you hated! All of your hopes from the last 2 years completely dashed! Your dreams ripped right out from underneath your feet! All you can think of is "Why?" Why is the movie soo much worse than the book? Why did the story line change? Why were those actors soo wrong in their roles? Why did they pick that music? Why did I get my hopes up?
This is exactly how I feel as of this moment! I know those of you reading this are wondering "What book and movie is she talking about?" Well it's not about a book or a movie! I have had that happen many times and I get over it and move on! But when this instance happens with an event in your life it is harder to accept and try and figure out how to move on! Because, unlike a movie where the producers, writers and directors and the ones controlling how the movie looks and sounds, there isn't anyone messing with my book! So when something suddenly changes it is hard for me to accept because I don't know what changed, how or when it changed, who did it or why..... I am just the person walking out of a theater of a movie that let me down.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Swiss Cheese
Ever have those times when you think about days gone by and can't seem to remember certain events?? Well I certainly do... every day! The last week I have been reflecting on my past and have come to realize I honestly can't remember alot of things! It seems like from age 16 back my memory is looking mmore and more like swiss cheese! Pretty much any point in time where I was with my dad it's either foggy or just not there! It bothers me alot not being able to remember what went on! I have a handfull of memories accounted for. Christmas one year looking at the tree, a dark night when I was probably 10 hiding under a couch calling my mom, the incident with the banister that I would rather not explain, and a couple other obscure memories. So many times I have wondered "What I am missing?" What is soo horrible in these forgotten times that my brain is shielding me from? Part of me wants to unlock these secrets just so that I can finally understand why I have come to block them but part of me is scared to death that I would not want to know! Is it worth the price that I would emotionally have to pay to see what happened? I thought when I turned 18 I could turn my back on my father and just walk away and never have to be hurt by him again! Little did I know then that he would continue to rip me apart inside to this day! I was reminded the other day of a horrible night I had to spend with my father about a year ago. I had gone shopping with my Grandma that day and kept taking my phone out of my pocket seeing my dad's number! I had gone almost a year without seeing him and I really didn't want to finish that streak now! After my grandma talked to me for a bit she convinced me to at least answer the phone...so I did. He wanted to go to dinner that night and even though I really hated the thought I humored my grandma's idea that maybe he wanted to reconcile with me. I went to dinner. For an hour I sat at the small table staring at a barely touched sandwich while my father told me all that was wrong with me! He told me that he would have beaten the sh*t out of me if he could have the day that I turned down my art scholarship! Also how if I were living under his roof being a lazy jobless sack of sh*t he wouldn't hesitate to throw me out into the street! How I was doing what I always had done! Using people and never giving anything in return! I sat there crying taking his abuse as I had done for years! Hating myself for not speaking up and watching through tears as not one person in that room stood up to say anything! Just sitting there eating their food and pretending they couldn't hear or see what was going on right next to them! Did my dad know how I had turned down the art scholarship to stay at home and help my mom who had just had her husband walk out? No! Did he know I didn't have a job because I was raising my baby brother while my mom was working trying to support her children by herself? No! Did he know at that point I already felt so low about myself that for over a year I had considered dying as opposed to feeling like a burden and a failure? No! Did he care? No he didn't! All he cared about at that point was once again making sure that he could control me! I hated myself more that day then I ever did in my life! I hated that even at 19-20 years old I still couldn't stand up to him! I hated that when I was younger being hauled into court and counseling sessions that I couldn't make them believe what I was seeing, hearing and feeling! I hate that even when I try to rid myself from him he is still there somehow making sure I remember that control! I think that is why these forgotten memories bother me soo much! Something happened in those memories that my mind and my father want me to forget! But I don't want to! I want to know what is in there because even if it does hurt me to remember I want to know! That is the one thing that I don't want my father to have control over! My memories!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Time in Retrospect
It's quite sad how in our current state we seem to underestimate how quickly time is passing our busy little lives right by! In retrospect we are the tractor driving 10 mph on a busy highway while a Ferrari driving 100 mph is zooming right past us! We are soo focused on what we have to get done that we don't relize that we are being left in Time's dust! Just yesterday it seems I said goodbye to my best friend as he left for his LDS Mission in Rome, Italy! Well that sounds about right except for I have blinked my eyes a few thousand times and suddenly he will be hopping on a plan later tonight on his way back home after 2 years! Suddenly my mind has been sent into a whirlpool of confusion as to where the time has gone! I have not made enough progress to count for 2 years of time! Where was I on the highway of life while the Ferrari of time was whipping past me?! Asleep in the back of my pontiac? It seems like all too often in life we have moments like these where we stop, look back and go "What the crap happened?!" Suddenly instead of being the person looking to the future you are the one who wishes you could go back! I know I do that all too often in my life! There are soo many times I remember thinking ahead about all of the things I want to do and be! Then after a period of time I look back and regret not living more in the moment! Wishing I had the opportunity to change decisions I had made and things I had said to people! Sadly some of the things I regret are those that I couldn't really change... things that I really had no power over and yet I am still sitting here wishing that instead of dreaming about tomorrow that I was living in today! Thankfully though the one mistake I made 2 years ago hasn't affected me in the present! I have trully been given a second chance thanks to that same best friend coming home! He is the reason I have been able to realize this and hopefully he will continue to be my reason for live in every moment that God has granted me in my life!
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