A Night At The Movies

I hate it when you look forward to something forever and then when it finally comes it lets you down! I'm not talking floating to the ground with a parachute! I am talking pushed out of an airplane with 20 pound weights tied to each ankle, strapped to a backpack filled with rocks and the pilot waving saying "see ya sucker!" This is how I feel right at this moment!
It like when you read a book! It's the best book you have ever read in your life! You can't put it down until you finish it and even when you do finish you can't wait to pick it back up and re-read it! Then one day you find out they are making it into a movie! You wait 1-2 years imagining how awesome this movie is going to be and you are already making your budget to buy the movie and soundtrack! The day has come and you walk into the theater feeling more excited than you have ever felt in your life and sit down fidgeting waiting for the lights to dim! 2 hours later.... You trudge out of the theater feeling as though your world has been completely shattered! The actors don't fit the part, the music doesn't set the mood, the story line doesn't follow the book whatsoever and the movie just looks all around cheap! You just spent around $25 on a movie that you hated! All of your hopes from the last 2 years completely dashed! Your dreams ripped right out from underneath your feet! All you can think of is "Why?" Why is the movie soo much worse than the book? Why did the story line change? Why were those actors soo wrong in their roles? Why did they pick that music? Why did I get my hopes up?
This is exactly how I feel as of this moment! I know those of you reading this are wondering "What book and movie is she talking about?" Well it's not about a book or a movie! I have had that happen many times and I get over it and move on! But when this instance happens with an event in your life it is harder to accept and try and figure out how to move on! Because, unlike a movie where the producers, writers and directors and the ones controlling how the movie looks and sounds, there isn't anyone messing with my book! So when something suddenly changes it is hard for me to accept because I don't know what changed, how or when it changed, who did it or why..... I am just the person walking out of a theater of a movie that let me down.

Swiss Cheese

Ever have those times when you think about days gone by and can't seem to remember certain events?? Well I certainly do... every day! The last week I have been reflecting on my past and have come to realize I honestly can't remember alot of things! It seems like from age 16 back my memory is looking mmore and more like swiss cheese! Pretty much any point in time where I was with my dad it's either foggy or just not there! It bothers me alot not being able to remember what went on! I have a handfull of memories accounted for. Christmas one year looking at the tree, a dark night when I was probably 10 hiding under a couch calling my mom, the incident with the banister that I would rather not explain, and a couple other obscure memories. So many times I have wondered "What I am missing?" What is soo horrible in these forgotten times that my brain is shielding me from? Part of me wants to unlock these secrets just so that I can finally understand why I have come to block them but part of me is scared to death that I would not want to know! Is it worth the price that I would emotionally have to pay to see what happened? I thought when I turned 18 I could turn my back on my father and just walk away and never have to be hurt by him again! Little did I know then that he would continue to rip me apart inside to this day! I was reminded the other day of a horrible night I had to spend with my father about a year ago. I had gone shopping with my Grandma that day and kept taking my phone out of my pocket seeing my dad's number! I had gone almost a year without seeing him and I really didn't want to finish that streak now! After my grandma talked to me for a bit she convinced me to at least answer the phone...so I did. He wanted to go to dinner that night and even though I really hated the thought I humored my grandma's idea that maybe he wanted to reconcile with me. I went to dinner. For an hour I sat at the small table staring at a barely touched sandwich while my father told me all that was wrong with me! He told me that he would have beaten the sh*t out of me if he could have the day that I turned down my art scholarship! Also how if I were living under his roof being a lazy jobless sack of sh*t he wouldn't hesitate to throw me out into the street! How I was doing what I always had done! Using people and never giving anything in return! I sat there crying taking his abuse as I had done for years! Hating myself for not speaking up and watching through tears as not one person in that room stood up to say anything! Just sitting there eating their food and pretending they couldn't hear or see what was going on right next to them! Did my dad know how I had turned down the art scholarship to stay at home and help my mom who had just had her husband walk out? No! Did he know I didn't have a job because I was raising my baby brother while my mom was working trying to support her children by herself? No! Did he know at that point I already felt so low about myself that for over a year I had considered dying as opposed to feeling like a burden and a failure? No! Did he care? No he didn't! All he cared about at that point was once again making sure that he could control me! I hated myself more that day then I ever did in my life! I hated that even at 19-20 years old I still couldn't stand up to him! I hated that when I was younger being hauled into court and counseling sessions that I couldn't make them believe what I was seeing, hearing and feeling! I hate that even when I try to rid myself from him he is still there somehow making sure I remember that control! I think that is why these forgotten memories bother me soo much! Something happened in those memories that my mind and my father want me to forget! But I don't want to! I want to know what is in there because even if it does hurt me to remember I want to know! That is the one thing that I don't want my father to have control over! My memories!

Time in Retrospect

It's quite sad how in our current state we seem to underestimate how quickly time is passing our busy little lives right by! In retrospect we are the tractor driving 10 mph on a busy highway while a Ferrari driving 100 mph is zooming right past us! We are soo focused on what we have to get done that we don't relize that we are being left in Time's dust! Just yesterday it seems I said goodbye to my best friend as he left for his LDS Mission in Rome, Italy! Well that sounds about right except for I have blinked my eyes a few thousand times and suddenly he will be hopping on a plan later tonight on his way back home after 2 years! Suddenly my mind has been sent into a whirlpool of confusion as to where the time has gone! I have not made enough progress to count for 2 years of time! Where was I on the highway of life while the Ferrari of time was whipping past me?! Asleep in the back of my pontiac? It seems like all too often in life we have moments like these where we stop, look back and go "What the crap happened?!" Suddenly instead of being the person looking to the future you are the one who wishes you could go back! I know I do that all too often in my life! There are soo many times I remember thinking ahead about all of the things I want to do and be! Then after a period of time I look back and regret not living more in the moment! Wishing I had the opportunity to change decisions I had made and things I had said to people! Sadly some of the things I regret are those that I couldn't really change... things that I really had no power over and yet I am still sitting here wishing that instead of dreaming about tomorrow that I was living in today! Thankfully though the one mistake I made 2 years ago hasn't affected me in the present! I have trully been given a second chance thanks to that same best friend coming home! He is the reason I have been able to realize this and hopefully he will continue to be my reason for live in every moment that God has granted me in my life!