Soo... I figured that since the last post was a downer I will also put up a more light hearted post! Yesterday I was having a downer day which brought me to tears a few times! When I logged onto Facebook I posted the following as my status: "Don't always assume that someone is ok because most likely they aren't... Maybe they just don't want you to see them fall apart." Because honestly that's how I felt! My family (except Mandi) seems to look at me and see a normal me even though inside I feel like a rabid wolverine was let loose to rip me apart! I look fine but I feel... I dunno. Broken. My family doesn't realize this. They think I have moved on from my "ordeal" and am now happy as a clam. I am not the type of person that will just break down and let the world see my raw emotions. I just can't. I feel like a new species that is being studied to see what's different from the norm. Mostly this comes from my "lovely" childhood which was wracked with fear of letting my true self show and stupid idiot Therapists who didn't want it to be shown! I am just an not comfortable showing myself unless I am trully comfortable with a certain person. Anyways I am rambling off topic! So I posted my status and who rushes to my rescue other that my knight in shining armor! Pete!! Yep he rocks! So as soon as he sees that and practically smells the deep need for a friend he swoops down and asks if I need his assistance! Isn't he awesome!! So I told him I was just feeling lonely and wanted someone to hang out and what does he say? I'll be over in a minute! Yesiree he is the best! He also gave me a good life by stating that he just got showered and would be here as soon as he found some pants! hahahahaha! Yep... but that is a different story which I do not want to jump into right now! :)
So fast forward a few minutes and he is here! Ta-Da! It was soo much fun because he was here from like 9 p.m. til no joke 4 a.m.!! It was the best night ever! Mandi, Pete and I just laid on a blanket in the yard forever! Kourtney was there too but sadly she left at like 12 or 1 ish. Anyways we basically just were talking, goofing and being random when suddenly at like 3 a.m. Pete and Mandi get in this HUGE wrestling match! They were trying to make each other eat grass.... gross but highly entertaining to watch! I watched them basically pretzel up with each other neither being able to move for like severals minutes because they were soo tangled! They went at it for almost an hour until it ended in a prolonged time out seeing as neither would give in to defeat! Sadly after it ended Pete left.... I cried. No not really but I was sad to see him go! I love having him around because he just makes life happy! Especially lately when I need someone to keep my mind off sad thoughts and on the happy wackyness of life! And no I am not just saying this because I know you will be reading this Peter!! I mean it! It was one of the funnest nights ever! It is up there with the Jewish Wedding Party hahaha! I wish I would have joined in the ruckus, Mandi was saying today "why didn't you jump into the wrestling fun?!" But I am a gutless, spineless, fearful little worm who is afraid of talking to a cute pizza delivery boy let alone wrestling with an attractive guy friend! Yes Pete I did just say that! Make fun of me later! Plus obviously I am weird because I cannot say the word Sexy in a normal voice. I practiced for a while today but I still think it sounds off... I am odd I know! Anyways that was my awesome night with AWESOME Peter and AWESOME Mandi!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Failure to Re-Launch
Blog! Hi there!
I have been wanting to blog for the past 2 weeks now but whenever I get on the computer I only have time for the basics and then have to get off! But I am here now and feel like rambling for a little while! So... Things have been pretty rocky for me this last week. I had a bad time a while back and decided to write Eric and ask him what was happening with us? Then preceeded to tell him that I felt I was not treated fairly by him doing that! As I told you before I had not heard from him in over a month! Well he wrote back and said some things that honestly really really hurt. It's not that I am completely heartbroken over the fact that he basically told me to kiss off it hurts that I wasted 2-3 years on a guy who obviously didn't care that much for me, it's that what he said struck at what he knows is one of my biggest insecurities! Plus he used the same crap that my family has pulled on me for years saying that "negativty breeds negativity. negative energy asks why positive energy asks why not." I have heard that from my family all the time! They always tell me I am a negative person when I am having one down day and that I am the reason my life sucks! So for him to hurl that at me after I had told him how much it hurts to hear that from people stung bad! I hate it when you confide your deepest fears and weaknesses to people and they end up using them against you! The only thing that hit a nerve with me was that he said "you attach all of your emotions to one thing and when that one thing fails your devestated." I was really confused when I read his statement because isn't that the point of a relationship? You invest your emotins into that one person striving for it to succeed! So why wouldn't I have attached a great deal of myself to him? I have been looking back at myself and feel soo extremely stupid for waiting by the door, listening for the mailman, craving his letters! I was waiting on a guy who obviously never exsisted or cared about me as deeply as he let on in his letters. I hurt but at the same time I am almost happy... is that weird? I guess for soo long I placed my feelings for him wherever I was told! My family was constantly saying "Stay with him no matter what! He is a great guy and a missionary!" When there were times that I honestly would question whether we were as compatable as everyone said? As much as it hurts knowing what I know now I guess I should be happy that I am not still floating around in that abyss of silence he shoved me into a couple months ago. The truth hurts but I guess it is better than not knowing what happened. Right?
I have been wanting to blog for the past 2 weeks now but whenever I get on the computer I only have time for the basics and then have to get off! But I am here now and feel like rambling for a little while! So... Things have been pretty rocky for me this last week. I had a bad time a while back and decided to write Eric and ask him what was happening with us? Then preceeded to tell him that I felt I was not treated fairly by him doing that! As I told you before I had not heard from him in over a month! Well he wrote back and said some things that honestly really really hurt. It's not that I am completely heartbroken over the fact that he basically told me to kiss off it hurts that I wasted 2-3 years on a guy who obviously didn't care that much for me, it's that what he said struck at what he knows is one of my biggest insecurities! Plus he used the same crap that my family has pulled on me for years saying that "negativty breeds negativity. negative energy asks why positive energy asks why not." I have heard that from my family all the time! They always tell me I am a negative person when I am having one down day and that I am the reason my life sucks! So for him to hurl that at me after I had told him how much it hurts to hear that from people stung bad! I hate it when you confide your deepest fears and weaknesses to people and they end up using them against you! The only thing that hit a nerve with me was that he said "you attach all of your emotions to one thing and when that one thing fails your devestated." I was really confused when I read his statement because isn't that the point of a relationship? You invest your emotins into that one person striving for it to succeed! So why wouldn't I have attached a great deal of myself to him? I have been looking back at myself and feel soo extremely stupid for waiting by the door, listening for the mailman, craving his letters! I was waiting on a guy who obviously never exsisted or cared about me as deeply as he let on in his letters. I hurt but at the same time I am almost happy... is that weird? I guess for soo long I placed my feelings for him wherever I was told! My family was constantly saying "Stay with him no matter what! He is a great guy and a missionary!" When there were times that I honestly would question whether we were as compatable as everyone said? As much as it hurts knowing what I know now I guess I should be happy that I am not still floating around in that abyss of silence he shoved me into a couple months ago. The truth hurts but I guess it is better than not knowing what happened. Right?
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