Backlash

DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE REAL ME!! There is probably a damn good reason why I live my life the way I do! How DARE you tell people (like my mom) that my sister and I are crazy for not going out more often or for not meeting new people! If this is someone who does "know me personally" well then you better look deeper! Yeah we might not go out much... Well here's an idea! Maybe we only feel secure in our own home! Okay, so we don't have a lot of friends our age! Well maybe they are the only ones that will stick by us when they see our dark secrets! Oh, we don't ever go out and act our age and do fun stuff? How would you feel if everytime you go out and try something new or meet new people you have to fight every demon you have? Every step ahead you have to struggle and fight with that little voice in your head that tells you that you are a screw up because that is all you have ever been told? How would you cope if everytime someone new talks to you your mind builds a wall soo thick you can't even think straight because you are soo petrified of being decieved, hurt or built up just for the joy of that person pushing you and watching you fall?! THAT'S what it's like to be me! If you were to hear or read this and be surprised then you have NO RIGHT to draw any conclusions about the way I live MY LIFE!!

Ultimatum

What would you do if you found out that it was someone's last day to live?
A complete stranger. Someone you have never seen before.
Would you do everything in your power to save them. To break the path they are on and to give their family back their child/siblingz etc. they would have lost. All the while not caring what reprocussions such an act would bring for you and for this person whose life was supposed to end.
Or
Would you have the faith and the courage to stand there and realize that everything in life has it's purpose. That even though someone's child lost their life soo soon that maybe, just maybe, it may have been needed in some way.
This is an extremely tough question I have been pondering.
On the one hand you have someone whose life is going to be cut short suddenly and often times tragically. Yes, the family would be spared of their pain of losing someone soo dear and have more time with their loved one.... but what is the cost?
On the other hand you, given this knowledge, would knowingly let this person die. But you would hold on and then see the lingering effect this person had. Sometimes on more lives after death than during life. This person's loss of life could be the key to saving many more.
So this is where your choice comes in...
Save Them or Let Them Go?

Vow

The only way you will ever be truly happy when you think of me will be the day you find me lying in a ditch having finally given up trying to keep my footing in life. I will have been broken hearted and alone, taking my last forced breath. I will have given you what you have always wanted from me... My broken spirit. I promise you, if it takes everything that I have in me, everything that I am.... you will NEVER be happy when your mind leads you to me!

Can you please hand me my jaw? It just fell to the floor!

Okay so I know it has been forever and I should do the whole what have I been up to lately thing but I won't!! Know why?! I had something insane happen to me today that is much more important that my lack of social life!! Okay cue factory! So ever since the whole falling out with boyfriend Eric which was incredibly nasty and hurtful, I have been kind of hovering in a limbo of sorts! What happen? Why would he say that? Etc. It became worse when like a week or two after the fallout he became engaged! I have pretty much been lost in this tunnel of self doubt, anger, sadness... okay you get the point! Well almost 2 weeks ago he had his wedding! Since then I have been thinking of what I needed to do to get myself up and put him past me! Well my idea was to accept it all and put myself out there by writing him and telling him congratulations and wish him well! Of course I chickened out for like a week until yesterday! It was a stressful day and I got on Facebook and saw he had posted status stuff! Which made think about my plan and so I decided what the heck the day was already crappy!! Now I sent this never expecting any answer back and I was fine with that!! Worst case scenario was that he would write back being just as rude and hurtful as he had been last summer but I figured it wouldn't hurt me more than it had!! Well I went to bed that night feeling better about myself for getting up the courage to wish him well!! Now marks the jaw dropper!! I woke up the next morning and had a new message! It was Eric! He wrote me and apologized for what a jerk he had been and told me that even though it took him a year to do it he wanted to apologize and let me know it was his fault not mine!! I was floored!! I had tears in my eyes!! All of these months I had been beating myself for something I thought I had done and as soon as I read his message I felt this release!! Like someone flicked on the lights and showed me where the door was!! I am soo glad that I decided to put my own hurt aside and show him kindness because even though he may not realize it he gave me the greatest gift of kindness he could have given me! He apologized and gave me the key to the door that has been blocking me from walking into the future unburdened and unafraid of that part of the past!! I thank him for being strong enough to apologize and help me heal!

Clique Schmick!

So I just noticed something the other day! High School cliques still hold up even after high school!! That sucks.... especially if you are me!! Let me begin with this... In high School there are 3 distinct food group so to speak. The Populars, this basically groups together jocks, cheerleaders, funny people and basically anyone who you envied in school! Next is the Bad kids, the druggies, the gangsters and others who you avoid just in case they decide they want to hurt someone! Lastly we have the nobodies, this includes anyone else from the geeks, the quiet ones and all those people you look through your yearbook and say who is that?! I unfortunately belonged to the latter group. I was the painfully shy, smart goody two shoes that people tended to pretend weren't there. I was always overly eager to please my teachers and followed my parent's orders to the T! I was a nobody... which sucks because it has followed over into real life! For example On facebook I will search up people I went to school with and try to "friend" them but end up being denied.... or they friend me long enough to make me feel good and then delete me. Yet there are the Populars who everyone and their dog adds in hopes of being included among their friends and because they are the cool people they add them back just to rack up their friend totals. Even the "bad" kids are added just so people can say oooo I am their friend guess I am protected! This sucks! Also what I hate to see are teachers that I loved in school and worked my butt off in their classes denying me friendship they soo readly give other students! Some of these teachers I felt I gained a friendship with in school and who would tell me what a "Awesome student I was and how much they enjoyed being near me..." That's total BS!! I have requested several teachers on Facebook all of whom have basically my entire graduating class on their lists and I get denied every time! Those who do add me I try to write and converse with like the Populars and end up never getting responses.... and yet everyday I see new conversations pop up between these teachers and those lucky people! Why is it that you are only remembered from High School for either the Bad reasons or the "Popular" reasons? Or out of pity! Like "that poor soul they are probably still out there with their nose in a book alone!" Why can't people remember you for reasons other than you were Shy, Pretty, The Class Clown or a Jock?? Why do these things place soo much influence on the rest of your life? Why can't people look at me and say "Oh, she was really quiet in school but how about I try to get to know her now? She has probably become a great person!" I hated those cliques in school and I continue to hate them now! Yes there are those who have grown out of them and have branched out with friendships and I applaud them for doing soo! Without them I would be a very lonely Facebooker! Yet there are still walls that make you strictly a contact... not a friend. Anyway I guess my point is if I would have known that being the quiet goody two shoes in school would affect me socially in post-high school times I would have let my hair down, thrown on a blingy shirt and some high heels and said to hell with being cautious! But unfortunately I can't go back so I will just have to keep showing the world my true colors and hope that people see that and realize that I am worth friending online and in real life!

Blueberry, Ice phone, Nexuses..... ANDROID!!!!

Guess where I am blogging from? My brand new android phone! I still can't even believe it!! So on Wednesday my mom called me and said that my sister and I needed to come meet her at the at&t store for a new phone which we were happy about because our phones are old and have problems! Little did we know she bought us the brand new Android that had just been released on Valentines day and to top it off she got an unlimited texting plan! It also came with a media plan with a WiFi connection! We have been having the best time the last 2 days!! Downloading apps., surfing and texting! It is awesome! Anyone wanting an awesome phone should definitely get an Android! All I can say is I-who??
I LOVE MY MOM! :)

When The Moon Hits Your Eye

Pizza.
How can a one five letter word describe a holiday soo well? Well let's put it in perspective! How many people celebrate Valentines day to the caliber that my family does? This holiday is as extensive to our family as Thanksgiving and Christmas are to others!! Let me set the table for you! You are sitting in your seat and looking in front of you you see a plate laden with Valentines goodies! This year is chocolates, a gorgeous ring and new socks!! Next to your plate in a big ol' margarita glass filled with strawberry daiquiri just waiting to be slurped up! Also next to your plate is a cute little dish filled with chocolate pudding and whipped cream topped with chocolate hearts!! As you are sitting there resisting the temptation to eat your pudding before dinner you smell it!! PIZZA!! The traditional heart shaped pizza of valentines day! You have chosen to top it with bbq chicken this year instead of traditional pepperoni and judging by the smell of chicken and cheese assualting your nose you know that it was a good choice! The timer goes off and your grab your plate and hoist it in the air waiting for the familiar weight of the yearly delicasey! There it is! You lower it to just below eye level and take it in! The beautiful browned crust, the gooey cheese and the little specks of sauce poking out the edge! You dig in, careful not to repeat prior years experiences when you burn your mouth from impatience, and chew it slowly. AMAZING! Every thought in your mind is now focused on that pizza and nothing else! You eat till you feel close to bursting knowing what doesn't get eaten is tomorrow's lunch! Then turn your sights on the creamy pudding! Small enough portion to not take up much space! Just when you think you couldn't place another piece of food in your mouth you realize something!! I haven't eaten a chocolate strawberry yet!!! You grab one and examine it closely. Perfectly covered with just the right amount of chocolate! Starting to ooze the delicious syrup that the strawberries produce! You start by licking the syrup off! Savoring the taste that only a strawberry can create! Satisfied that you have removed every trace you take your first bite! Heaven!! That is what Heaven would taste like if you could eat it! You remain on cloud 9 for 3 strawberries and then after savoring every last bite you return back to the earth!
Gone is then need for flowers and teddy bears! All you need is Pizza and a couple strawberries dipped in chocolate!
That is Valentines Day for my family and we wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING! :]

Super Brawl XLV!!

Geez! Who would have thought that Super Bowl Day would turn into Super Brawl Day?! Not me that's for sure! So over the last year my mom and I have been butting heads! But on Sunday everything bowled over!
We have been put in a hard spot over the last little while! She is working to support the family after my stepdad left and my sister and I had been home essentially raising our little brother and taking household needs under our belts! Now that our brother is starting school my mom has been pushing job searching onto us! There are just a couple problems with that! 1) We can't both get jobs together so it will take a little time. 2) We only have one car to share. 3) We have to work our schedules around making sure we have someone home when our little brother is home from school. 4) We are far enough away from other towns that paying for driving isn't worth the pay we would get. 5) We are in the middle of a flippin recession in a town that has 1/2 the jobs required for the amount of people living here!! What more can she expect us to do!? The only jobs available require you to either have a college degree, biligual abilities or experience pertaining to the job! The first two I do not have and the third how the crap do I get that experience if you won't hire me so I can learn?!
So now we are stuck at home searching for jobs along with the rest of the towns population hoping that we will happen to beat out someone else for a job!! Meanwhile we have to hear about our "lack of effort" everyday of our lives from our mom! How is this fair? I have given up 4 years of my life to raise your child, clean your house and make your food and now all of a sudden none of that matters and I am just a moocher? Yeah Thanks for that!
I hate fighting with my mother! I hate having to say things that might make her sad or mad! She is my mother! BUT when you are beat down everyday for putting your best effort into your everyday life something in you starts to break! Be it self esteem or self control I do not know! But there hits a point when you cannot take it anymore and you have to stick your neck on that chopping block and hope that the words coming out of your mouth will still the axe for at least a little while longer!

The Ghost of Mr. Chicken!!

Okay so I have a weird experience from last night and a back story!!! YAY!!
So the backstory is that supposedly the itsy bitsy house that my family lives in right now used to be a chicken coop way back when!! Weird right?!
So last night I had a big run in with what I believe was the paranormal!!! So I had to do laundry last night because my bedding was nasty thanks to the doggie!! Anyways it was late and cold so I had to get my quilt finished for bed!! Anyways around 10 pm my mom wanted me to lock the door, so I went out and locked them and tucked the chairs at the kitchen table in! Later at about 10:30 I had to go check my quilt in the dryer! Now by then everyone in the house was in bed asleep! So I go to take some laundry out and check my blanket when I run into a chair into the kitchen! I look and one of the chairs was pulled out!! Like WAY out! As if someone was sitting in it! So I thought that was kinda weird but shook it off, tucked in the chair and continued into the laundry room! After waiting for the dryer to finish! Approximately 5 minutes I went back into the kitchen and the exact same chair was pulled out AGAIN!!! I immediately freaked out and ran into my room where I told my sister!! I was scared outta my mind!! So my sister said it was okay and I tried to calm down but then I got really hot!! Which is hard in a house that doesn't get above 70*!! So I got soo hot but I had a spot on my back that was soo cold it hurt!! I ended up curling up in bed trying to sleep and refusing to open my eyes!!
SO Here is my theory!!
The ghost of a slaughtered chicken has come back to take revenge on the humans who have invaded their coop!! A.K.A. ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Don't hurt me chicken!! I promise I didn't know this was a coop before we came here!! Take it out on the people who really did it! NOT ME!!